Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute” Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.” Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?” Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.” Merle commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives.” Don said, “I’d like them to 0say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”

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My friend Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. “Since we don’t really know anybody, do you want to head on home?” she asked.

When her sister nodded, Linda made a right turn. She had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when she happened to look in her rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!

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One-Liners :

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

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My husband and I had been trying for a while to have a third child. Unfortunately, the day I was to take the home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided that if the test came out positive, we’d buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly awaiting the appearance of the tell-tale line. When it didn’t appear, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug and said, “It’s okay, Mom. The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”