When I went into labor, I notified my parents, and they rushed to the hospital. They arrived before my husband and were ushered into the room where I was being monitored. The doctor came in and, motioning to Dad, asked, “Is this the husband?”

“Oh, no,” Dad blurted out. “I’m the father!”

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Politics (just in time for our local elections!)

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“Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator.” “What’s he do now?” “Nothing. He got elected.”

“““““““““““““ “Why don’t we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politician’s house?” “Professional courtesy.”

“““““““““““““ Mom: What makes you think our son will be a politician? Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.

“““““““““““““

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. “What party does your husband belong to?” he asked. The lady responded curtly, “I sir, am the party he belongs to.”

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One-Liners:

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Anger is what makes the mouth work faster than the mind.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. –James Francis Owens

A preposition is something never to end a sentence with.

A steamroller is the sincerest form of flattery.

Abstinence should be practiced in moderation.

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Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates.

We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful because we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.

There, in very fine print was: “Serves 6.”

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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you’re upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did!” sobbed Johnny.