Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”

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One-Liners:

How can you add one to infinity?

How do they get Teflon to stick to the pans?

How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambitiion.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I would’t want to own one. “Who does the emergency operator call if she has an emergency?”

How can someone “draw a blank”?

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”

The next day there was a hailstorm.

“This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.

“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

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Overheard in a hospital nursery: “I’m a little girl.” “I’m a little boy.” “How do you know you’re a little boy?” “Wait till the nurse goes out and I’ll show you.” When the nurse left, the baby pulled up his gown. “See? Blue booties.”

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An Archive Classic:

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the ‘Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y’.”

“But, where are all your cattle?”

“So far, none have survived the branding.”