The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”

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One-Liners:

Where’s there’s smoke, there’s toast.

Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why do ‘tug’ boats push their barges?

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

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A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”

The coroner said, “No.”

The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”

“No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”

“No.”

“So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband died last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that gun…

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A couple who’d been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”

He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”