One Liners :

What’s the definition of irreconcilable differences? When she’s melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

KISSING: Putting your honey where your mouth is.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

In the vacuum of space, you can’t play an accordion.

Get *really* stoned! Drink wet cement!

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The Baseball Rookie :

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “Darn it, he took me out when I had a no hitter going!”

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As a high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

“Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”

The flustered kid replied, “Three.”

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Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. “Dr. Holmes,” quipped a friend, “I should think you’d feel rather small among us big fellows.”

“I do,” retorted Holmes. “I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies.”

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There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn’t he like him or somethin’. The doctor said, “No, its your ducks at the entrance… every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!”