I write this story in the hope that it may encourage others that they are not alone, and so that hopefully I can begin to move on from this place.

My husband and I both grew up knowing the “call of God” on our lives. I believed I would grow up to be like my parents, with a ministry helping people in need. I was going to be a pastor’s wife, and we would help the hurting people who had been so abused by life. My husband grew up believing he would be a Senior Pastor, with a great thriving church, touching and changing the lives of all around us.

Within a year of our marriage “David” had left his job and enrolled in Bible College to follow ‘the call’ upon his life. I was pregnant with our first child and we were full of hopes, dreams and visions. People marvelled at our faith, but to us it wasn’t faith, it was the just the next step in God’s plan for us.

After college David was offered a position as Assistant Pastor on the other side of our city. We were so excited. By now we had two young children. During discussions with our prospective senior minister we expressed that we did not feel youth ministry was right for us, as we were a young family who could not be dragging young children out at all hours of the night. We felt that our ministry was a joint ministry, not just David and a pious wife tacked on the end. He assured us that family was a major importance, and that we would be out no more that two nights a week. We trusted this man as he had earlier been my husband’s pastor and family friend. I was a little unsure as I had heard this man was quite arrogant. However, my husband’s family knew him personally, and so that seemed to be a more valid ‘reference ‘. So we packed up our house and moved to the other side of town.

Before we moved over the Board offered to pay the bond on the house we were to rent, almost $1000. We understood that when we moved out they would get it back. They also were going to give us petrol money every week. When we asked about the wage, the pastor just told us it hadn’t been fully discussed yet but not to worry they could pay it in fringe benefits so it wouldn’t affect our family benefits etc.

Imagine our disappointment when we arrived at our first service and the senior pastor wasn’t even there to greet us! He had gone away for the weekend. However, a board member and her husband took us to a fast food restaurant for lunch and then proceeded to infer that David had done the wrong thing by telling our friends that he was going to be the Assistant Pastor! We were a little unsure but assumed we were simply being oversensitive. Things rapidly got worse. The pastor told us we needed to pay back the bond money, and they would be happy to put our petrol money towards the loan each week. This left us feeling a little queasy, as we had budgeted with the petrol money, and had thought the loan would be paid back when the bond came back from the Real Estate Agent.

Then we discussed wages!!! What a shock. Having not been told our wage, we budgeted on what we knew to be the base wage for pastor’s starting out. We were very uncomfortable when we were told the board had agreed on an amount that was significantly less than the base salary. So we were now $80 short, per week, on our budget. We said nothing as we felt that, although disappointed, we were not in this for money, but for the love of God and the people.

Then we started the work. For my husband’s first two weeks, the pastor was out of the country. What were we meant to do? We had many calls from hurting people who told us that the pastor never visited them, he didn’t care for them, never returned phone calls. He was never in the office, never visited people, so where was he? This man had told us that everyone adored him and that they wouldn’t welcome us because they loved him exclusively, and yet the people were telling a completely different story! We felt overwhelmed, confused and completely unsure of what to do.

I was also hurt when I spent a day helping the church secretary with her children, while she was at the church office. I took them to their school to get books, bought her lunch and generally did a lot of running around. The next day the Snr Pastor’s wife rang David and asked if I could not take my children into the office in future because this lady had complained that it was a church office and not a cr ¨che. I felt so betrayed, I had spent my time, money and petrol helping her out and then she had complained about me. This was just the beginning! These women treated me so kindly in front of my husband, but looked down on and isolated me when he wasn’t around.

Then the pastor came home from his trip. He asked me where I wanted to be involved and I told him anywhere but with an instrument. Suddenly, I was playing guitar for the next six weeks in a row! Then we were introduced to the church as “David and Elly, you can call them whatever you want, but they will be helping out with the youth”. It was now very awkward as we had been told we were assistants, not youth pastors, and the church didn’t know if we were pastors, helpers or what. Guess what, neither did we!

Then came the unspoken expectations. We had two young children. I was expected to help with music, pray out the front with youth, be the perfect pastor’s wife, and look after two toddlers. This man told us that on a Sunday, David was a pastor (whether he had a role in the service or not), and not a husband or father. So I was expected to care for my children in the cr ¨che, remain spiritually fresh and then input into others at the altar.. even if I didn’t know what had been preached about. I soon felt spiritually drained. When we discussed this with the pastor again, he instructed my to buy preaching cassettes and listen to them at home while looking after my children. He did eventually compromise and allow David to assist me.

Then came the two nights out. There was Home Group, Music Practice, Prayer Meetings, Youth, Training night, visitation and church twice on a Sunday. Needless to say we either had a lot of baby sitters or the girls had a lot of late nights. I was soon feeling like a terrible mother and it began to put a huge strain on our marriage. I longed for David to take a stand and say this was too much, his family came first, but no matter how many times he confronted the pastor, nothing changed and he just talked over the top of David. When David asked him about his role as the Assistant Pastor rather than Youth Pastor, he told my husband that everybody were his assistants, even those who took up the offering.

David begged me to be patient but I was exhausted, feeling guilty for my children, and just felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. He told me to cut back and he would be the one to go out, but then I felt I wasn’t supporting him or fulfilling my role as a good pastor’s wife. And I longed for him to have time as a dad and a husband. David was caught in the middle of his greatly admired pastor, now his boss, and a wife who he felt was not the support she should have been.

Eventually it came to a head. I took one woman into my confidence, of whom I had been assured by the pastor’s wife would be a good trustworthy friend. I also spoke to a board member who had asked me about my husband’s wages. He told me that the board were discussing our conditions and that they didn’t know what we were being paid. This was a shock to me as we were told that our wage was the board’s decision! Well somehow, this all got back to the Senior Pastor. Although my friend had assured him that I wasn’t gossiping, and our conversation had been in the nature of confidence, this was unacceptable to him.

He called in my husband, unbeknownst to me, and told him that I had betrayed him and gossiped around the church about what a terrible husband he was. I had apparently destroyed my husband’s credibility within the church. I had also allegedly talked to three other churches – although we still to this day have no idea where that came from. David was instructed not to tell me anything of this as the pastor was seeking counsel as to what to do about me. His options were to sack David, discipline me publicly, or expel me and allow David to remain. When David told him that under counselling we had made a promise not to keep things from one another, the pastor told David that he was a higher authority and David was not allowed to tell me.

Three days later, after much tension between my husband and I, he finally gave in and told me. I was furious and could not believe this man had instructed my husband to break a promise to me. There was a very unpleasant confrontation between this pastor and myself, where I was kicked out of his office. We were instructed to meet with him in two days. When we arrived at this meeting, we were surprised to see the whole board arrive and as a power play, we were kept waiting for over half an hour.. mindless of the babysitters at home. Throughout this meeting various accusations were brought against me, all of which were untrue. He then told us they would need the weekend to discuss what should be done. We stated that we also needed the weekend to decide if we would even be prepared to stay after such terrible treatment.

The following Sunday when we met we made a mutual decision to leave. We later found out that this pastor had approached the elders and told them that we had marriage problems and as a result I had behaved inappropriately. When he was questioned as to what I had done, he stated that to protect me morally he could not tell them. This has left me dreading meeting any of these people in the street. What do they think I did? People generally assume the worst, if only I could tell them that my sin was in standing up for my family against an abusive pastor and his leadership! As a final “blessing” the pastor told my husband we would be divorced within five years.

Two and a half years later, my husband is back in secular employment. We are only now thinking of getting involved in the church again. In one way we have not wanted to know about church, but as a deliberate decision for the welfare of our children we have decided we must attend a safe church. We still yearn for the things of God, but if that was ministry.no way! We are slowly beginning to heal, but it has been a long road and it certainly did a lot of damage to our marriage. My husband and I are closer than ever now, but there are still issues to be resolved. We truly miss the fulfilment of ministering to people but are very cautious of trusting people. And if we were in the same position again would I support my husband? Yes, I would support him, but I certainly could not condone the situation, as I did not then. Where does that leave us? On a very long journey, but on one in which I am determined to grow and learn.