Here’s a combination of three stories, with real names and places altered:

Lionel is an Australian Anglican clergyman, forty-ish, who’s had several good ministries in rural parishes in a couple of Australian Anglican dioceses. The two main issues he brought on retreat: his thorny relationship with bishops, and his gambling problem.

Lionel was brought up in a working-class suburb of one of our major cities. His father was a salesman, often away from home, precoccupied with his business, and a long-hours socializer with his business-mates. Lionel felt his father was not ‘there’ for him, he never came to watch his soccer matches, and missed several important school speech night functions as well.

Lionel has two older sisters, and is five years younger than the second-eldest sister. His mother virtually brought up the children, but she too was helping to run a small business and was often not home.

When Lionel went to theological college he found study hard. In his childhood he could not remember many books in his home, so an academic or theological environment was hard for him.

In his first couple of parishes he was very lonely, so he gradually sought the company of ‘mates’ in various places – the pub, a couple of clubs, and a sporting association.

He and his wife have two children – a girl and a boy…

Lionel gradually developed a love for poker machines, and over the years spent more and more time in hotels and casinos. Eventually, he owed about $70,000 and the ‘crunch’ came when his wife (who worked to pay many of the household bills) gave him an ultimatum that it was ‘her or the pokies’.

That’s when Lionel decided he’d better sort himself out, and came on a retreat. That event was complicated by the wife phoning me to ‘brief’ me about Lionel’s gambling habit. I was then placed in a dilemma: should I tell Lionel his wife had rung? Should I encourage her to tell him she’d contacted me? For better or worse, we agreed on the latter course. When Lionel arrived he was in a black mood, feeling betrayed by his wife…

During our discussions another problem emerged. Here’s a verbatim of a couple of minutes from his story: ‘The bishop phoned me on my mobile number when we were on holidays. He wanted to move me. He began by telling me just how strategic a post the new parish was – they needed someone who could operate well in an isolated position and that I fitted the bill perfectly. I questioned his integrity in making such a statement given his commitment to allow us to stay a while longer for our kids’ sake. I asked if he actually looked at the written information we provided to the diocese regarding my comments about stability for my family after a turbulent three or four years we’d just had, had any relevance to his decision to post me to this new parish. (This I am sure I said in a fairly sarcastic manner). I then indicated that I was unwilling to move and (quite forcefully) said he had better do a better job of looking after his people. The result was that someone else (a more junior clergyman without the experience to say no) was sent to the parish, even though his personal circumstances were also unfavourable for such a move.

‘The second conversation occurred nine months later when the bishop phoned me on a Friday morning whilst I was on a day off with my family in the city. Even though he knew I was not on duty (having rung my parish office previously and told of my absence) he began immediately by saying that the priest in ____ needed to move due to health reasons and that as that parish was such an important one, and that an experienced pastor was required so he wanted to move me there at the end of the year. I (literally) laughed at the suggestion and once again highlighted the requirement for stability for my family, especially given the critical stage of my daughter’s schooling. I then indicated that I was not even going to ask my wife to consider the posting as she didn’t deserve to be stressed about it. I then said that he could do what he liked, but that I was staying where I was with my family. The upshot of this was that the priest in ___ didn’t know anything about a move and was very much against moving at the end of that year due to issues of family stability as well, and in the end neither of us moved.’

‘I don’t think my bishop likes me much, and I doubt whether he’ll be much help to find me a suitable placement when I and our family are ready.’

We spoke of many other things, but the resolutions at the end of our six hours of Retreat-discussions included:

1. Having regular spiritual direction – particularly focussing on the issue of an absent father and his problematical relationships with male authority-figures.

2. Making a commitment to re-order his financial world to pay off his debts, and to stay away from poker machines – for ever!

3. Spending more quality-time with his children.

4. Writing a letter of apology to the bishop – without resiling from his strong desire to stay where he was, but outlining why he might have come across as ‘abusive’.

Pray for my friend Lionel. He’s a good guy, lonely, in need of ‘mates’ and also in need of a healthy dose of self-esteem!

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher