Note for the puritans and/or the prurient: some humor/humour about sex is funny, some is bawdy and/or tasteless, and some is clever. This one falls into the last category…

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It is rumoured that an Apocryphal Gospel has been discovered in a cave in the Middle East: the Gospel of St. Coitus and St. Copula, engraved with a Fig Leaf Motif.

Written by an Heretical Sect (they say Jesus survived and married Mary Magdalene), it concedes that Celibacy is too strict a Discipline for the average Brother or Sister in Christ, while also acknowledging the Evil of the Lusts of the Flesh.

To accommodate both aspects of Original Sin, the Gospel urges the Founding of the Order of Conjugationalists, in which the following Levels of Virtue would obtain:

(1) Virginines – a Platonic union of one Brother (priest) and one Sister (nun), henceforth called Sponsus and Sponsa (spouse) – to avoid any hint of incest. This is the highest level, short of celibacy, and is on a strict no-touchy basis.

(2) Valentinians – A Romantic union, in which simple kissing of the lips is the extent of physical contact.

(3) Vaginans – A Functional union, for possible procreation purposes only – if lusts of the flesh cannot be avoided. No Condoms, and only Rhythm Method allowed. Penance follows.

(4) Venusans – A quasi-Pagan descent into depravity, in which Nudity occurs, and Apeman instinct is indulged. Mortification of a most prolonged and Mea-Culpa extent is needed to counter its Nefarious Effect.

Any Offspring produced by the Lower Levels would be recruited into the dwindling ranks of the clergy, after being raised in a religious orphanage.

The Motto of the Order would be – “It is Better to Marry than to Burn”

This World is a Vale of Tears in which “Many are Called, but Few are Chosen” – whence Hellfire is the lot of most, and few are Saved.

In the Secular Community, the Anti-Sex League would be vigorously promulgated, as, while it is Virtuous to have Babies, it is not Decent to talk about when or how, and Chastity is recommended to all and sundry.

Note: The Sect claims never to have been accused of Paedophilia – but you never know.