“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” — Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.” — Groucho Marx

“Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx