Two Aerials met on a roof – fell in love – got married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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A man went to the Doc with a strawberry growing out of his head:

The Doc said, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

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“Doctor, Doctor. I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ “

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it rare? “

“It’s not unusual.”

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet …

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth.

Finally, he said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

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“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”

“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”

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Two elephants walk off a cliff … Boom boom!

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A man went to the dentist …

The dentist said, “Say Aaah!”

The patient replied, “Why?”

He said “My dog’s died.'”

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A man went home and the phone was ringing.

He picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?”

A voice said ‘You are.'”

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A man rang up the swimming baths …

He said, “Is that the local swimming baths?”

They replied, “It depends where you’re calling from.”

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A man rang a local building firm …

He said, “I want a skip outside my house.”

They replied, “I’m not stopping you.”

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Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family.

So one of them must be Chinese.

It’s either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it’s Colin.

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A man was in his car, driving along.

His Boss rang, and said “You’ve been promoted.”

The man swerved.

The Boss rang again and said, “You’ve been promoted again.”

And the man swerved again.

The Boss rang a 3rd time and said “You’re the Managing Director.”

And the man went into a tree.

A policeman asked, “What happened to you?”

He replied, “I careered off the road.”

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Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought, “This is unusual”.

And the dentist said to me, “Get out of the filing cabinet.”

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Two cannibals were eating a clown:

One said to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Police arrested two kids yesterday:

One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said ‘Parking Fine’. So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctor’s surgery …

The doctor said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time”

The man replied, “I know. I’ve been ill”

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A man walked into the doctor’s surgery …

He said, “I’ve hurt my arm in three places”.

The doctor replied, “Well, don’t go to those places”

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I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day.

He wasn’t very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day .

I couldn’t find any.

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Two blondes walk into a building …

You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message:

“… If you want to buy marijuana … Press the hash key .”

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I went to the butchers the other day …

I bet him  £50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

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I went to a seafood disco last week …

and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft and it sank.

Thus proving, once and for all, that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van.

He was covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub …

One said to the other, “Your round.”

The other one said, “So are you, you fat slob!”

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Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning.

A small Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far

and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

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