I’m a regular recipient of John Maida’s clean jokes: always gently funny. (Send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the Subject).

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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

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I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night’s sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.

The next morning, I asked my husband, “Why was Zack in bed with you?”

“Oh,” he replied, shrugging, “he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets.”

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My husband and I were discussing people’s eating habits. A devout meat-and-potatoes man, he listened as I described a co-worker who was a vegetarian. “Could you imagine never having a steak again,” I asked him, “and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables, and salad?”

“That stuff isn’t food,” he snorted. “That’s what food eats!”

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One-Liners :

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Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and they’re still forwarding my mail.

Give some people an inch, and they’ll think they’re a ruler.

The best things in life are free..plus tax, shipping and handling.

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

My accountant is going to put me in a fancy tax shelter: Leavenworth.

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A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

A clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?”

He said, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish.”

Then with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat bran muffin.”