Marriage counseling and creativity
(Rowland Croucher) wrote:
Every day this sort of thing happens in my counseling room:
She: ¢â‚¬ËœHe doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk to me! ¢â‚¬â„¢
He: ¢â‚¬ËœI bloodywell talk all day to people earning a living to pay our bills, and when I come home I need space, silence ¢â‚¬ ¦ ¢â‚¬â„¢
She: ¢â‚¬ËœOK, I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll respect that. However it doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t solve my problem: I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got a lot to say, being alone (at home, in my job etc.) What am I supposed to do ¢â‚¬ ¦? ¢â‚¬â„¢
[Pause]
She: ¢â‚¬ËœAnd while we ¢â‚¬â„¢re at it, another thing. I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t think you ¢â‚¬â„¢re
interested in what I want to talk about anyway ¢â‚¬ ¦ ¢â‚¬â„¢ > Result: stalemate.
What suggestions would you make for the couple above???
Rowland Croucher
*****
Two responses:
Rowland You may want to ask both of your clients to agree to the following: Write the content you wrote above on a white board: E.G. He says: I bloodywell ¢â‚¬ ¦.. Then ask him: What do you want? Pull at this until you get a a statement: So he says: I want silence, quiet. Then you could say: What purpose would that serve? Write down his response and ask the “What purpose ¢â‚¬ ¦” question again. Do this until you can see that his emotional tie to his original “want” has subsided. Then, ask him to generate way in which he might be able to:
a. find some silence
b. (a potential response to the What purpose question) to relax
c. (a potential response to the What purpose question to the response of
“to relax”) to get away from my job.
d. and so on ¢â‚¬ ¦
Do the same with the woman. When they are both in a more creative mindstate, (this may take a while)
have them both go through the process together. Hope this gets you thinking ¢â‚¬ ¦.I would advise that you modify the above to you own style. ¢â‚¬“
[name withheld]
Teacher at a University in Canada
*****
Paul Rousseau wrote: :
Paul and I seem to approach this from very different angles. (this is good). Me, I ¢â‚¬â„¢d try to help him see that this is a different sort of talk, and her that this is a different sort of silence. To him:
“So, at the office you are negotiating/cajoling/explaining/requesting. Your talk is all an effort to get what you ¢â‚¬“ or rather your company ¢â‚¬“ needs. Yes?”
To her: “What you want from him when he gets home is companionship? Relaxation?
Friendship? And you want him to hear things ¢â‚¬ ¦ for information and simply
so he knows what you feel strongly about?”
To him: “When you go out for drinks after work (or whatever this one does), you spend
a fair bit of time just talking on about .. how you feel, for friendship,
companionship & relaxation, yes?”
To her:
“Sometimes after you ¢â‚¬â„¢ve just finished something, you like a few minutes to have
a coffee and unwind. And if someone tries to talk to you at those times, you
get irritated at them.”
Then you just have to explain that he needs a few minutes, just like
she does, and that she needs friendly chatter, just like he does. How does this sound? Like it ¢â‚¬â„¢d work?
Jenn.
(No methodology, just intuition. But then I have a GREAT mother.)
(A discussion on a Usenet newsgroup many years ago).
Rowland Croucher
May 2010
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