The most misunderstood concept in the ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ and Christian worlds
Anthony Venn-Brown © 2010
¢â‚¬ËœSituational heterosexual ¢â‚¬â„¢ is a term I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve used for several years to describe
myself when people have asked how I could have been married for so many
years and yet be gay. This term has also helped people gain a clearer
understanding of what really happens when someone who is homosexual marries someone of the opposite sex and claims change. Confusion about what really happens in these situations (mixed orientation marriage) still exists and often wrongly reinforces the ¢â‚¬Ëœhomosexuality is a choice ¢â‚¬â„¢ and ¢â‚¬Ëœhomosexuals can change ¢â‚¬â„¢ concepts.
How often have you heard someone say something like this ¢â‚¬ËœThey couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t be
gay, they ¢â‚¬â„¢re married ¢â‚¬â„¢, assuming that having a wife by your side and produced
children means a person must be straight.. When someone says that to me, I
just smile ¢â‚¬ ¦.remain silent (having been a gay man in a heterosexual
marriage) and wait for what I ¢â‚¬â„¢m actually thinking to sink into the
consciousness of the person who made the na ƒ ¯ve statement.
¢â‚¬ËœSituational homosexuality ¢â‚¬â„¢
The term ¢â‚¬Ëœsituational homosexuality ¢â‚¬â„¢ is frequently used to describe same sex
behaviours in prison, the military, single sex boarding schools, or other
sex-segregated communities, where members of those communities might engage
in homosexual activity or even relationships. Once they come out of that
situation though they have not become homosexual, they revert to their
natural orientation; sex and relationships with the opposite sex. It ¢â‚¬â„¢s only
the situation that created the behaviour; the orientation wasn ¢â‚¬â„¢t changed.
Confusion over behaviour vs orientation
People who believe that a heterosexual marriage and children are proof that
a person is no longer homosexual are ignorant of the true dynamics of sexual
orientation and have a simplistic view of sexual behaviour. Alfred Kinsey ¢â‚¬â„¢s
ground breaking research (late 40 ¢â‚¬â„¢s and early 50 ¢â‚¬â„¢s) in the area of human
sexuality revealed many things. Whilst not all his discoveries have become
standard psychological practise he opened the way for us to look at human
sexuality in more realistic terms instead of making assumptions based on a
Victorian, repressed and ignorant cultural mindset.
Kinsey developed a seven point scale with 0 representing individuals who had
only heterosexual intercourse and with 6 representing those who engaged in
only same-sex activities. This created the concept of bi-sexuality and that
some people may, from time to time, engage in same sex behaviours but not
actually be homosexual in orientation. Kinsey and his associates found that
37 per cent of the males and 13 percent of the females in their sample had
had at least one homosexual encounter. Are these people homosexual in
orientation, bisexual or heterosexuals who were playing up, being
opportunistic or experimenting?
Further research over the last five decades has given us a more
comprehensive understanding of sexual orientation.
Our sexual orientation involves brain wiring, thought processing, hormones
and release of chemicals in the body with the final outcome demonstrated in
our behaviour.
Our true sexual orientation is reflected by:
1. The gender we are attracted to physically
2. The gender we fantasize about
3. The gender we desire intimacy and affection with
4. The gender we are likely to fall in love with
5. The gender we want to partner with
6. How we identify ourselves
7. With all social, religious and legal restrictions removed and the
opportunity to have sexual experience with either gender, which one would we
honestly chose. Or as one person put it to me recently ¢â‚¬ËœIn the morning,
whose arms would you like to wake up in. ¢â‚¬â„¢
So a person ¢â‚¬â„¢s sexual orientation is determined by much more than their
sexual behaviour. Or to put it another way our sexual behaviour, solely,
doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t indicate our sexual orientation. Genuine bisexuality would also
include all of the above with either gender. Some people think they are
bisexual because they have had sex with both men and women. I thought the
for many years but this is not necessarily true. For some people using the
bisexual tag/identity is a useful and safe place for them to pause on their
journey to accepting their gay self/identity. Others try to live in denial.
Confusion over Same Sex Attraction (SSA) vs Sexual Orientation
I ¢â‚¬â„¢d like a dollar for every time I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve received an email from someone
they are ¢â‚¬Ëœstruggling with same sex attraction ¢â‚¬â„¢ (SSA). The term SSA is
frequently used in the ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ world by individuals and always mentioned in
their literature. The phrase ¢â‚¬Ëœsame sex attraction ¢â‚¬â„¢ has been deliberately
chosen to move the person ¢â‚¬â„¢s perception of their sexuality away from an
orientation (which gives it a scientific basis and is innate) to a behaviour
(which can be suppressed, denied or ¢â‚¬Ëœpossibly ¢â‚¬â„¢ changed).
So what is ¢â‚¬Ëœsituational heterosexuality ¢â‚¬â„¢?
¢â‚¬ËœSituational heterosexuality ¢â‚¬â„¢ is when a person who is same sex oriented
enters a heterosexual marriage and has a degree of ¢â‚¬Ëœheterosexual
functionality ¢â‚¬â„¢. This is not a change in orientation only behaviour; which is
created by that situation only.
Homosexuals in a heterosexual marriage ¢â‚¬“ what is really going on
You will often find men and women in the ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ world speaking of their
marriage as evidence that they are no longer homosexual. Those who are
honest though, tell us they still have to deal with temptations, thoughts
and desires towards the same sex. Some ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ leaders in Australia have
been honest enough to admit to ¢â‚¬Ëœstrugglers ¢â‚¬â„¢ that ¢â‚¬Ëœthey will always walk with
a limp ¢â‚¬â„¢, meaning the gay never really goes away. Alan Chambers, the director
of Exodus (the global umbrella organisation for ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ ministries), sent
shock waves through religious circles, when he stated in an interview with
the
Times, that, “By no means would we ever say change can be sudden or
complete,” and that he was uncomfortable with the term ‘ex-gay’ as he
doesn’t think he’s ever met one. Even after years as a husband and father he
has to admit that thoughts he previously had hoped would go away still
exist.
It ¢â‚¬â„¢s not uncommon for men who have suppressed, denied and hated their same
sex orientation to develop a sexual addiction or obsession. When they get
married they have a sexual outlet which is free of shame and guilt and much
more socially and religiously acceptable. This is a great relief for them to
finally feel ¢â‚¬Ëœnormal ¢â‚¬â„¢, ¢â‚¬Ëœwholesome ¢â‚¬â„¢, even ¢â‚¬Ëœpure ¢â‚¬â„¢. As one research project
clearly pointed out they had had sex with 100 ¢â‚¬â„¢s of men once and sex with one
woman 100 ¢â‚¬â„¢s of times. It is easy to see how they and others confuse this new
found experience with the opposite sex as evidence of change. They do
however conveniently ignore the fact that any infidelity within the marriage
would never happen with another female, it would only ever be with a man.
What many of us have found out, finally leaving the heterosexual marriage to
live as openly gay men and lesbians, that being true to yourself, instead of
moving us into a life of promiscuity and sexual abandonment, actually
released us from the obsessions and a new sense of morality and control
emerged. Why didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t someone tell me that when I was 18?
From my experience, working with 100 ¢â‚¬â„¢s of people in these situations,
¢â‚¬Ëœsituational heterosexuals ¢â‚¬â„¢ rarely experience the depth, frequency or
diversity of sexual experience that heterosexual couples do. One client
sadly admitted to me that after many years of marriage he couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t recall
one moment of intimacy, even though they had sex regularly throughout the
marriage. I just thought I was doing the right thing. He didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t actually
know what intimacy was as his previous sexual experiences with men, driven
by his addiction and clouded with shame, were mostly brief encounters with
no affection or real connection,. It wasn ¢â‚¬â„¢t till he came out and fell in
love with a man that he discovered intimacy within that relationship and had
a life experience to make a comparison. Others confessed that, in order for
them to perform in the bedroom, they had to fantasise about having sex with
men. Others, in the end, just tried to avoid sex with their heterosexual
partner after years of feeling a sense of duty and obligation no longer
worked. These are tragic circumstances for all concerned.
The saddest things about this situation
This false assumption by many that a heterosexual marriage means a person is
no longer homosexual has caused a great deal of unnecessary suffering.
1. Well meaning Christians will often use these ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢/heterosexual
marriages as examples that change is possible and pressure their gay or
lesbian children and friends to reject their natural orientation. They do
this with limited knowledge or complete ignorance of sexual orientation or
of the finer, personal details of these marriages. Too often parents and
friends have been quoted as saying ¢â‚¬Ëœlook at so and so ¢â‚¬ ¦.they changed ¢â‚¬ ¦..they
are now married with children. You can do it too with prayer and faith ¢â‚¬â„¢
2. Seekers of sexual orientation change who come to ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢
ministries are tormented and desperate. Because of all the negative beliefs
about being attracted to the same sex, they hate being gay and will latch on
to any possibility of change. The ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢/heterosexual marriage modelled by
the ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢ leader is the answer they seek. They look at the marriages and
selectively ignore the honest confessions that these people still
¢â‚¬Ëœstruggle ¢â‚¬â„¢. This false hope leads people into many wasted years trying to do
the impossible, that is, turn from gay to straight. As one former ¢â‚¬Ëœex-gay ¢â‚¬â„¢
leader in Australia said to me recently, after he could no longer live with
the internal fragmentation , ¢â‚¬ËœFor 20 years I was sold a very cruel lie, one
that my wife, children and myself are now paying the price for ¢â‚¬â„¢ or as Scott
from Perth said ¢â‚¬ËœI lost my entire 20 ¢â‚¬â„¢s. Those years were spent struggling,
feeling bad about myself and constantly being encouraged that change was
possible. I felt like I was robbed of what should have been enjoyable days
of my youth ¢â‚¬â„¢.
3. The heterosexual partner often feels a ¢â‚¬Ëœcall ¢â‚¬â„¢ to walk the journey
with their partner to ¢â‚¬Ëœheterosexuality ¢â‚¬â„¢. As history shows however, these
marriages rarely last, leaving the heterosexual partner with a sense of
betrayal and the feeling that they may have contributed in some way to their
partner not changing. Or they are resentful that they have given the best
years of their lives to a person who promised to love and be with them for
life. A promise they were unable to fulfil.
4. And finally the children. One thing many people want in this
situation is children. We want to be parents. I know I wanted to not only be
husband but also a father. I believe now, I was more in love with the idea
of being a husband and father (ie being ¢â‚¬Ëœnormal ¢â‚¬â„¢) than I was in love with my
wife. When the marriage finally breaks down, often during mid-life, the
children are also traumatised and have to deal with the added shame that
their Dad has ¢â‚¬Ëœbecome ¢â‚¬â„¢ gay or their Mother ¢â‚¬Ëœbecome ¢â‚¬â„¢ a lesbian. As many of
these kids are a part of a Christian community the scandal and sense of
shame is intensified. As my daughter Hannah said recently in an interview on
the ABC
get married hoping it will change you, then it is a very selfish act as you
don ¢â‚¬â„¢t know what hurt you will create in the generations to come. ¢â‚¬â„¢
These are all very tragic and unnecessary outcomes for all concerned.
1. The person living with the false hope that one day they will be
straight
2. The straight partner who is doing everything possible to help
create the ¢â‚¬Ëœmiracle ¢â‚¬â„¢ and
3. The children who are anticipating a lifetime of security with a
Dad and Mum that will live and love together till death parts them.
Whilst I ¢â‚¬â„¢m grateful for the years of married life and the lovely children
and grandchildren I have, I also have to live with the knowledge that I have
been the source of the greatest trauma, pain and shame in the lives of the
people I cared most about. With what I know now, could I turn back the hands
of time, I would not have chosen that for them or myself.
Anthony Venn-Brown
Professional Coach, Speaker and Author of ‘A Life of Unlearning – A Journey
to Find the Truth’ and LGBT Consultant
Convenor of Freedom 2 b[e]
© Anthony Venn-Brown. You have permission to quote from this article with
recognition of the source. www.anthonyvennbrown.com
Thank you for pointing out that orientation is NOT changeable. Having been married to a gay man who has demanded that he is not gay, I really wish he’d realize the reality of his orientation. I hate for him that he felt pressure to act straight and trap a woman in a lie. I don’t know if he thought I’d straighten him out or if he simply thought marriage was proof of the lie he has propagated since he was a boy.
The selfishness your daughter speaks of may not be as much about how you handled it but it is a very real element for many people. I have no doubt that my husband manipulated me from the beginning. I have no doubt that he wanted to have his “I’m a perfect Christian husband” image without fully investing in genuine love and respect for me. He’s simply not wired to fully love a woman. In that, he was selfish to have lived according to the screenplay he’s written for his life all these years. Not acting on homosexuality means abstinence in my book, not convincing a woman that she’s simply not worthy of what she feels is missing.
If you or someone you know has a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mate/spouse, please direct them to Straight Spouse Network at straightspouse.org for support.
I think you should avoid being so needlessly hard on yourself. In trying to ‘become’ heterosexual, you were only taking what you believed was the right and true path for yourself. You never sought to hurt anyone (although that may have been the outcome). If we didn’t live in a world that persecuted adults for particular types of co-concentual love, you never would have felt pressured to take the path you did before you came out.
It must break your heart to hear your daughter speak about your choices that way, but you’d do well to remember that ‘free’ choice doesn’t exist in a society where gay people are seen as immoral sinners.