Exercise – Say yes and no to one another

Are we motivated by call or compulsion? (Good question to take to a spiritual director)

Messiah trap = a deadly and deceiving two-sided lie = need to save others.

– Side 1: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done

– Side 2: Everyone else’s needs take priority over mine

Where do I tend towards messiahship? (Jen is a good check on me here.)

Messiah characteristics

1. Tries to earn a sense of worth by “acting” worthy
2. Lets others determine their actions
3. Needs to overachieve
4. Attracted to help others with similar pain
5. experiences difficulty in establishing relationships
6. caught in cycle of isolation
7. driven by endless activity
8. stops when drops

Styles

– The pleaser – dances to someone else’s tune in frustration and denial of own feelings

– The rescuer

– The giver – unable to place realistic limits on giving until nothing left but guilt and fatigue

– Counselor – hide feelings from others, but who do they got to?

– Protector

– Teacher

– Crusader – desire to empower the powerless, but come face-to-face with powerlessness.

We all do things to please people or give, but if inner compulsion is to do it without helping ourselves. Go with your gifting > trying to do everything.

Good healthy styles are good for you as a pastor and good to model for others.

Where do I fall into the messiah trap?

II Boundaries

Exercise –

& reflection

Boundaries define what is me and not me, where we end and someone else begins. The issue is often our family or past relationships have confused our parameters. (Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries)

NB Some older generations have not always done this well. Some younger generations are strong and sometimes (arguably) too strong. When is this an excuse for underclocking, or keeping relationships distant? Ministry is often non-structured with only a few deadlines (meetings and services).

It is good to articulate boundaries; e.g.

– telling the church the pastor has family time 6-8pm and lets calls go to answering machine

– when day off is

– expectations re children and who disciplines them

– office hours (and when not office hours).

Pastors have:

– a position with professional power and duty of care

– unique authority and unusual depth and breadth of access to church members.

In travel industry, Greg used to say ‘make your clients your friends’ rather than ‘make your friends your clients’. Does this relate to pasturing? I’m not sure. It can be difficult to go deep with people you pastor.

Caring and boundaries

– helping is stressful

– responding to pain brings emotional involvement

– caring and sharing with people in difficult times touches the depths of your heart and soul

– need to care for self as care for others.

It is good to share with the church when you are fragile. Vulnerability and authenticity can enhance ministry, which can be a little different from e.g. counselling professionals. People don’t want my heart on my sleave all the time. But as a pastor I want to do live deeply with people, and share my prayer needs as well as others, at least with one or some people in the church if you can.

+ Good to ask “For whose benefit?” when I want to share something.

+ I share what I ask others to share; e.g. inappropriate to announce marriage difficulty or teenage rebellion probably for anyone in a church service.

We need to take leave regularly, and especially when not functioning well because drained. Take sick leave when needed. (This does right thing by others too.) We need a good team around us who can cover for us.

The power imbalance for pastors includes:

– knowledge of right and wrong

– priestly influence with God

– gate-keeping

– insider knowledge

– personality

– unequal relationships – preaching and counselling

“A boundary violation is an action by one person that violates, crosses over without permission, the limits, the rightful territory of another person. A boundary violation violates a person not a rule. Clergy Abuse is not wrong because it violates norms, but because it violates people.” (Elizabeth Horst, 2001)

= It is always the pastor’s responsibility to maintain boundaries. You need to be proactive, even if people in congregation are not.

What do you think of that – that inappropriate boundaries and behaviour violates not so much rules but violates people.

III Sexual misconduct

Greg had his slides. These are my notes (from Anne Wilkinson-Hayes):

Any misuse of a leadership position is ‘abuse’ of those involved, because the leader has been in the more powerful position and was therefore responsible for maintaining all boundaries.

Many kinds of abuse – spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, but let me spell out the issue with sexual misconduct & abuse

Sexual Misconduct focuses attention onto the personal behaviour of the leader rather than the breach of trust in the relationship with a member of the congregation.

* Sexual abuse occurs when a person occupying a position of trust uses his or her power to satisfy a sexual need or desire with another individual.

* The term ‘abuse’ focuses on the ethics of power in an unequal relationship.

* ‘Abuse’ also signals the need to recognise people involved as victims rather than consensual sexual partners.

Levels of Misconduct/abuse I-V

Level 1
Sexual addiction with no victims other than a marriage partner by default (pornography, cybersex, infatuation, fantasy). NB Watch out. Destructive. Addictive (MY experience).

* Level II
Inappropriate sexualised relationship including the violation of pastoral boundaries usually in the form of sexual innuendo, language or touch with a specific member of the congregation.

* Level III
An isolated incident of sexual intercourse after which there is immediate remorse and full disclosure.

* Level IV
A long-term sexual relationship that involves deception. The Pastor continues to provide leadership to a faith community while morally, ethically and spiritually compromised. Level IV may include serial and/or concurrent sexual abuse.

* Level V
Criminal misconduct involving rape, child sexual abuse, abuse of physically or mentally challenged persons.

In some places Levels III & IV are now criminal professional abuse (as is of course Level V).

Ask yourself 4 “S” questions regarding relationships:

1. Is this relationship a SECRET one from others?
2. Is this relationship hidden from my SPOUSE?
3. Am I treating this person that way I would want my SISTER/BROTHER treated?
4. What does this relationship say about how I feel about my sense of SELF and my DIGNITY as a person?

Here is another good questionnaire for self-awareness and self-analysis (Questionnaire prepared by Anne Wilkinson-Hayes, Baptist Union of Victoria Regional Minister):

Self-Assessment Check list

1. Personal history

* Does my personal or family history include sexual abuse, substance

abuse or other family dysfunction? Yes No

* Am I coming to terms with the issues and feelings involved in my personal history? Am I able to identify areas in my history where I need healing? Yes No

* Am I taking steps to address the areas where I need healing? Yes No

2. Psychosexual Integration

* Have I discussed my sexual history with someone (a professional or a friend)? Yes No

* Am I comfortable with my sexual orientation? Yes No

* Do I monitor my sexual fantasies for inappropriate objects such as

children, clients, group members, employees etc? Yes No

* Are my personal friendships and intimate relationships appropriate

– namely age-appropriate, and not involving anyone with whom I

have a ministerial relationship? Yes No

* Am I able to identify my emotional/sexual needs and meet them appropriately? Yes No

3. Personal/Professional Self

* Am I meeting my personal needs outside of my work setting? Yes No

* Do I acknowledge the power inherent in my professional roles? Yes No

* Am I aware of the effects of that power on those with whom

I interact eg. The attraction that power holds for some people? Yes No

* Do I remain alert to my potential for violating boundaries due to that power? Yes No

* Am I aware of the consequences to me of my violating the Yes No

boundaries of my ministerial relationships?

* Do I have a consultation or supervision setting in which I can Yes No

discuss these questions?

An answer of No to any of the above questions other than the first indicates an area where self-awareness and self-monitoring are crucial, and should be discussed with an appropriate person

Alan Niven has produced another very helpful questionnaire on this, perhaps a bit more nuanced.

Salvation is about getting right with God. Then we set out on being made whole. Watch your background and inappropriate boundaries. (This is why sexual misconduct issues are treated in context of boundaries.)

Messiah complex and compulsion –> suggests there is work to be done in my wholeness. Take this to SUPERVSION/SPIRITUAL DIRECTION/ THERAPY not just to COACHING. Or try it at coaching and see how helpful coaching is for these deeper issues.

Boundaries is for you, not just to protect others.

We also need a lot of care in electronic communication. Some youth pastors especially can act inappropriately online in ways they would not face-to-face, but it’s still inapt. Be careful even what you put on status updates. Youth often have dualism in what they are in church and how they express themselves on FB.

Greg never sends a personal email – because people can send it on. Ring and talk – it is less easily misunderstood too.

Darren Cronshaw

Organizational ecologist

Auburn Baptist Church

& Baptist Union of Victoria

mobile 0438 136 287

home/office 9818 7014 | 50 Auburn Road, Hawthorn 3122

Auburn Baptist Church | 597 Burwood Road, Hawthorn 3122

BUV 9880 6169 | Level 1/ 1193 Toorak Road, Camberwell 3124

skype daz.cronshaw

[email protected]

http://www.buv.com.au/ministries/leadership-training

“What you dream alone remains a dream, what you dream with others can become a reality.” (Edward Schillebeeckx)