Compiled by two language lovers, Noel Mitaxa and Alec Seacon.

Strange meanings for common words and phrases:

Created, contrived, collected or commented on ¦

Not only for those word nerds and phonetic fanatics

who’ve groan to love twisting our tongue;

but also for regimes seeking a cheaper method than firing squads.

If you think a good pun is its own re-word, try these for sighs ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ ¦

Aardvark: aan Aafricaan aanteating aanimaal. Cleaning an aardvark requires an aardvark-uum cleaner, but if power blaacks out, you must do it maanuaally – and that’s very aardvark!

A(b)leutions: cleaning rituals that are found on the islands that stretch westward from Alaska.

Abominable snowman: an enigmatic Himalayan identity. As Yeti’s never been captured on film.

Ad-verse reactions: negative responses to commercials that feature irritating poems or songs.

Aliens: Political advisers from unknown galaxies; a background that equips them to:

invent complex reasons for unnecessary policies;

obscure the obvious;

complicate or give new meanings to previously familiar terms.

They never divulge which planet they will visit next; so we cannot warn anyone about them.

Altar Ego: a super-spiritualised persona; adopted for performing religious rituals.

Alligat-ions: accusations of crimes that Florida police investigate.

Amnesia: having such a good memory that you can’t recall when you last forgot anything.

Aperitif: a set of French dentures.

Architects: those who know where to draw the line.

Armature: a skilled person who has not yet turned  ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ ¦ professional.

Army Intelligence: the wherefore of warfare.

Asbestos: to one’s extreme ability. As in ‘Asbestos I can tell’

Atheist: someone who declares no invisible means of support.

Atlas: bare-headed.

Bagony: waiting at a carousel, hoping that your luggage has come on the same flight that you did.

Baited breath: what cats have if they eat cheese.

Balanced diet: a plate of food in each hand.

Bamboo: a plant that can cause total confusion – even bamboo-zlement

Bank interest: a misleading term when it seems that they could hardly care less.

Barbecue: a line of men waiting for a haircut.

Bar-rista: a legal high-flyer who enjoys making coffee.

B’earthdays: annual celebrations of our tenure on this planet, but too many can be fatal.

Beauty salon: room for improvement.

Bigamist: a thick Italian fog.

Bison: (1) in the USA; a large plains-dwelling buffalo. (2) in Australia; a water-dish for washing hands.

Bizarre: a weird approach to marketing.

Blackmail: correspondence which may need white ink to improve its legibility.

Blisters: committee members who only appear after the hard work is done.

Bovine residue: a polite description of inaccurate or deliberately misleading information.

Brasserie: an eatery where it’s best to have comfortable underwear, or to only order brief snacks.

Brine damage: mental illness that ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ ¢â€ž ¢s caused by swimming in the ocean too frequently.

Brupper: one daily meal for foodaholics and teenagers – a brunch that lasts into the evening!

Burden: an opportunity, as in  ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ …“a burden the hand is worth two in the bush. ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ 

Bureaucrats: clerks who never look out windows before lunch, so their afternoons may be fulfilled.

Bureaucrazy: when red tape reaches absurd levels.

Cairopractor: an Egyptian masseur.

Candel’s Messiah: a Christmas oratorio performed during a power failure.

Lorraine: a signora who famously prefers level ground; immortalised in Lerner and Lowe’s My Fair Lady: ‘Lorraine in Spain stays mainly on the plain’

Male meno-Porsche: an expensive attempt to recapture long-gone youth.

Manual: a book of instructions that real men never need.

Marital arts: long-term relationship skills.

Massacre: over-use of dark eye make-up.

MacAroni: a Scottish pasta dish.

MacAnnick: a Scotsman who fixes cars.

Menu planning: thought for food.

Mere culpa: admitting guilt, but only for a minor offence.

Middle-age: when you open your mouth – and you hear your parents doing the talking

Missing Persons Bureau: where staff never show up for work.

Money: a commodity that once spoke all languages, but which now often  ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ …“goes without saying. ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ 

Mother Goose: part of a healthy literary diet for young children in free societies. In dictatorships the same aged children are fed Poppa Ganda.

Multi-asking: the verbal torrent from any inquisitive four-year-old child.

Terabyte: a serious threat for cavemen, posed by Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Terrierist: a small but very dangerous dog.

Test Cricket: a game invented by the English in an attempt to describe eternity.

Test(osterone)imy: a he-man ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ ¢â€ž ¢s sworn evidence in a court of law.

Thawed out: no longer frozen with indecision. ie to have thawed out a first step. (Note: if there is still some indecision, this is better expressed as  ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ …“thaw doubt. ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ )

Thinking: an inevitability if you ƒ ¢ ¢â€š ¬ ¢â€ž ¢ve never learned to thwim.

Tirade: assistance that may be as simple as re-inflation, through to repairing a puncture.

Udder contempt: the attitude of a deliberately neglectful dairy farmer.

Undertaker: a friend who shows absolute loyalty; the last person to ever let you down.

Underwear: an element of surprise. ie, to be caught un(d)awares

Unventions: goods or services which have met with failure, through faulty design, implementation or marketing. These include:

Acupuncture for haemophiliacs

Air-conditioners for canoes

Campaigns to stamp out quicksand

Correspondence courses in how to swim

Colour movies for Ku Klux Klan members

Dishwashers with tumble-dry cycles

Humorous sympathy cards

Kosher recipe books for Ramadan

Political promises

Radio painting classes

Signs to self-help sections in bookstores

Steam-powered space probes

Steering wheels with Braille imprints

Waterproof teabags

Upper crust: a bunch of crumbs who are held together by their own dough.

Utter failure, to: to say one of the few words that rhymes with ‘Australia’

Vampires: (1) officials whose excessive interruptions suck the life-blood from sporting contests.

(2) tragic creatures whose life work is completely in vein.

Vegans: people who don’t eat meat, even if it comes from vegetarian cows, pigs, sheep or chickens.

Veni vidi VISA: a shopaholic’s ambition.

Venom-ist: a feminist whose resentment of males has turned toxic.

Ventriloquists: entertainers whose lits nether noothe en they are terthorning in tuglic.

Vertigo: a loss of direction, as in ‘ …“vertigo’  from here?

Veteran Aryan: a retired Nazi who looks after sick German shepherds.

Viol-in: an extremely unpleasant place to stay overnight.

Wabbaly: a small, unsteady kangaroo.

Weather bureau: a not-for-prophet organisation.

Whinge-neer: a verbose expert on turning molehills into mountains.

Whinge wireless: when talk-back radio is hosted by a shock jock.

Wig: an element of false hood which may not be immediately obvious.

Will: determination that’s shared, for where there’s a will there are usually many relatives.

Wishbone: a poor substitute for a backbone.

Writer’s block: