Received this today from an online friend…

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I was on my smoko break at work and I sighed as I looked up into the heavens  ¢â‚¬Å“there must be more to life than this? ¢â‚¬ 

No answer came…. well straight away that is.  But, a lot happened after that moment.

I was diagnosed with anorexia in the early 1990s but began to get unwell just after uni (mid-1990s) beginning with feelings of depression. I began feeling  ¢â‚¬Ëœugly ¢â‚¬â„¢ inside. I was in a steady relationship with a boy since high school but even that relationship started showing   some cracks…

I remember watching Oprah Winfrey and the particular episode back in mid 90 ¢â‚¬â„¢s was on  ¢â‚¬Å“fat free ¢â‚¬  diets. After watching the program I told my boyfriend that   I was excluding all fats from our diet.I became a vegetarian over night and stopped all fat, milk, cheese, meat, butter.

The diet worked.   I started shedding a kilo a week. I wasn ¢â‚¬â„¢t even fat to begin with. I was a size 14, about 65kgs (152cm tall) and always felt good about my figure;   I had an hourglass shape and a good bust. Other people didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t agree and made it known to me.  ¢â‚¬Å“yeah….you ¢â‚¬â„¢re OK but I wouldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t let your bum get any bigger! ¢â‚¬  my sister once said. And as a five year old child my siblings would relentlessly sing  ¢â‚¬Å“I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t want her,   you can have her, she’s too fat for me…. she’s too fat, she’s too fat, she’s too fat , for me! ¢â‚¬ 

I walked a couple of km ¢â‚¬â„¢s to work and back. The kilos kept coming off. I felt fantastic!

Everyone said I looked great. I had a target of   50kg ¢â‚¬â„¢s. When I reached that, my target became 48, and then 45…..and so on……Then I had no control of the weight loss.

I had a dilemma. I knew I was thin but I felt fat…And everyday that fear of being fat….. grew stronger. My mind was in an  ¢â‚¬Ëœanorexic  ¢â‚¬Ëœ prison. All I thought about all day was -food, weight loss and fear of getting fat…..Food…..weight loss…. fear of getting fat…..

The thoughts spiralled. I became obsessed. I counted calories, popped laxative pills (60 per day), drank diet coke, exercised, drank black coffee and smoke cigarettes.       I survived on a daily meal of vegetables in a noodle soup. That ¢â‚¬â„¢s it for years. I assisted surgery all day long at work, walked a couple of km ¢â‚¬â„¢s there and back , sustaining myself on coffee, diet coke and cigarettes.

My relationship with my boyfriend was dead. He was a medical intern but offered no help.

He didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t know how to help. A lie in my head (and probably his) told me there was nothing wrong.

Until one day, I saw my veins popping out of my face.   I started to get scared. Not to mention the heart palpitations at night and the loss of periods, cracked skin and fine hair on my face.   I was out of control. And then the binging and vomiting began…..the real nightmare had just begun.

I went to Europe with my sister and brother inlaw for a  ¢â‚¬Å“holiday ¢â‚¬ .   I dreaded the flight back home because I knew my sister had organised a doctor ¢â‚¬â„¢s appointment at the Eating Disorders unit at the local hospital. I felt I should go not to disappoint my sister whom I was living with. So I did.

They weighed me….36kgs.     BMI       15.     They told me that you are dead with a BMI of 10. I was half way there.

BMI 19-20 is normal healthy weight range.

The doctor diagnosed me with anorexia. I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell them about the bulimia because I was too ashamed. But I figured they guessed.

From that moment my life changed. I stopped work and attended an eating disorders outpatient program for 5 days per week, 8 hours per day….for nearly 2 years. The staff were great and very understanding.

I remember my first week…..I had compassion for a really unwell inpatient named  ¢â‚¬Å“Helen ¢â‚¬ . I followed her to her room and put my arm around her. I asked her if she was alright. She was delighted and said she just had to write something down for me. I have kept her little note in my wallet ever since. It read  ¢â‚¬Å“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me ¢â‚¬  (I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t understand this message at the time). She also wrote ” I have met a lovely new friend today. Thank you for being my friend. ¢â‚¬  Helen. I later discovered that one of the reasons she developed anorexia was because she wanted to be well liked at school by being thin and have friends.

It was murder on the eating disorders unit. A lot of the stuff from my childhood that I had ignored, surfaced: childhood sexual abuse, trauma and terror from having a mother with chronic schizophrenia, parent’s divorce and the break-up of my long-term relationship with my boyfriend.

I was bingeing and vomiting in secret. I lied and cheated the first 12 months.  I spent all my money on food. ..and then threw up in my sister ¢â‚¬â„¢s garden and covered it up with leaves.   I could voluntarily vomit any time I wanted, didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t need to put my fingers down my throat. Every time was followed by a head rush. Sometimes the binge was so bad, I made myself vomit until there was bile and my oesophagus bled.   My front teeth eroded away from the acid (I now have four front veneers). Then the guilt set in.   Disgusting pig. Shame. Fear of getting fat. The desire to fast and exercise.

I couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t stop. I couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell anyone. I staged and prepared for the next binge. I knew when no one was home and the vomiting could happen in secret. I hated myself. I felt possessed. Where had the gentle, kind and loving Virginia gone?

My sister and brother inlaw prayed every morning and read the bible. I thought they were a little odd. They put this weird   music on when they cleaned the house and bopped around.   My sister even gave me a card that said  ¢â‚¬Å“all you need is faith as small as a mustard seed… ¢â‚¬   I had no idea what it meant and said  ¢â‚¬Å“that ¢â‚¬â„¢s nice… ¢â‚¬  But after living with them for a few months, I noticed my sister was happy. She had a large group of friends, good marriage and she even hummed when she washed her dishes! She was humble and well liked.

One particular day, after a bad, disgusting binge, I was sick of myself. I asked if I could pray with them. We held hands and prayed. I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t know how to pray but in a very crude and private way said sorry to God for abusing my body. That moment- a ton of electricity went rushing threw my arms and I knew that God was real. I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t understand it but I knew I had an encounter and revelation of almighty God!

My faith walk from there started off slowly.I didn’t go to church just yet but began reading the bible. Over the months I started getting better and sharing my story about Jesus with the other anorexics! And I started praying for them at home. We formed a supportive group and learnt how to re-feed back to better health on the outpatient program. I was still binging and vomiting in private though, but I was putting on weight.

I started feeling well enough to live on my own again and got a flat in St Kilda East through Hanover. It was a lovely flat and I met with a social worker on a weekly basis. She helped me to become more assertive and rational.

My sister also knew the minister down the road from my place at the local church.

She took me there. I made friends and started attending church regularly. The church had a strong healing ministry.

I was touched by the Holy Spirit during praise and worship singing and felt God ¢â‚¬â„¢s presence.

I was in awe and yearned to get closer to God every week..  The Holy Spirit filled me and healed me week by week. I cried regularly in church for about 2 years as the Holy Spirit healed my deep internal core pain with his power-something the psychologists and psychiatrists just couldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t do. Although I was thankful for the “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy” (CBT) that they offered to health overcome my distorted thinking.

Shortly after, I participated in an Alpha course: introduction to the Christian faith and was wrapped up in the love of Jesus and also met my future husband! Brendan was singing in the worship band. I heard the sweetest voice…….I heard   my husband ¢â‚¬â„¢s voice   even before I laid eyes on him! I think that ¢â‚¬â„¢s cool! I later discovered that he volunteered because I was doing the course and he thought I was cute. But my eyes were on Jesus and he didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t get a look in for some time. I knocked him back on a date so he went back home and prayed that I would change my mind with his prayer partner and I did!

The rest is history with a set of twins later and a son…11 years later.

After I got married,   I was still bingeing and vomiting but it was becoming less frequent. I remember going to church and getting really blessed by God and then going home later and binging and vomiting. I felt shame but something really amazing happened! I felt Jesus standing right beside me with my head over the toilet bowl and an over whelming feeling of love. Like he was   loving me even though I was sinning. He broke my shame, I cried. And whenever I vomited again, I would say sorry to Jesus and claim my forgiveness through his death and resurrection on the cross straight away and move forward in faith for healing.   I would affirm that my victory was already won through the power of the cross.

I remember standing in my kitchen with thoughts all day long about food and fatness and binging and crying out in faith  ¢â‚¬Å“the battle has already been won through the cross! ¢â‚¬    I am victorious, pushing back my eating disorder thoughts. I thanked God for my healing. I stood in faith. I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t know how God was going to do it. But I believed for my healing in Faith. I felt silly at times…… but I kept affirming the prayer even when I felt at my weakest.

Sometime   later, when I ate normally and didn’t vomit,   I felt like I was having a panic attack and going to die. But instead of rushing off to vomit up the food (for fear of putting on weight)   I decided to trust God….

I had to do that three to five times a day. Sometimes standing in faith and fighting off panic attacks all day long for days on end. Meditating on  ¢â‚¬Å“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me ¢â‚¬  Phl   4:13. I   am awed by God using the weakest most vulnerable person-like Helen, to present me with such a power packed message for my healing.

I began getting really good at trusting God with my life. In fact my eating disorder taught me how to trust Jesus and yield to the Holy Spirit. By this I mean, forgetting about my own thoughts, feelings   and impulses at the time and trusting in what God   has for me and listening to him. Often a friend would spontaneously visit just as my feelings of anxiety got worse. My bingeing decreased.

After 5 years of marriage, prayer and some  ¢â‚¬Å“Clomid ¢â‚¬  prescribed by a doctor, we fell pregnant with twins-girls. I needed the “Clomid” because we were having difficulty concieving due to my irregular periods. I was delighted. I was still bingeing a little bit. But I reasoned that if I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t stop bingeing and vomiting the babies may not survive.   So I stopped vomiting……for good!

Months later, I realised that I had my healing completed. There were no food thoughts, fat thoughts, bingeing thoughts, nor vomiting thoughts. I was getting bigger with the twins but this in no way upset me! I got to 68kgs- nearly double my anorexic weight and I had no symptoms. Praise the Lord!

Even after the delivery of the babies, I didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t have a problem with the weight gain nor any depression afterwards. I felt blessed and filled with joy with having my babies, despite the lack of sleep, long feeds and multiple nappy changes!

Hasn’t God got such a sense of humour? A tiny, once emancipated young woman going on years later and having twins, just to amplify the healing!

My girls are not babies anymore  ¢â‚¬“they are now 6 years and my son (without Clomid) is 3 years. By no means is my life perfect now,though.   I still have many problems every day, especially with my mother who is now aging, but Christ enables me to face them realistically and to solve them God’s way. I am not perfect, but I am forgiven and progressing.

I would now like to invite you to experience Jesus in YOUR life and experience HIS   power and forgiveness. If you want to,   you can pray this prayer:

“God, I recognize that I have not lived my life for you up until now. I have been living for myself and that is wrong. I need You in my life; I want You in my life. I acknowledge the completed work of Your Son Jesus Christ in giving His life for me on the cross at Calvary, and I long to receive the forgiveness you have made freely available to me through this sacrifice. Come into my life now, Lord. Take up residence in my heart and be my king, my Lord, and my Savior. From this day forward, I will no longer be controlled by sin, or the desire to please myself, but I will follow You all the days of my life. Those days are in Your hands. I ask this in Jesus’ precious and holy name. Amen.” (  http://www.allaboutgod.com/salvation-prayer.htm)

If you prayed the prayer, welcome to God’s family!

To grow closer to Him yourself and develop your own faith in God, I recommend you:

1. Get baptized and be filled with the Holy Spirit as commanded by Christ.
2. Tell someone else about our new faith in Christ.
3. Spend time with God each day. It does not have to be a long period of time (but over time you will want it to be!). Just develop the daily habit of praying (simply talking) to Him and reading the Bible. Ask God to increase your faith and your understanding of the Bible.
4. Seek company with other followers of Jesus. Develop a group of believing friends to answer your questions and support you.
5. Find a local church where you can worship God, study the bible and be filled with the Holy Spirit.

1 Cr 1:18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

And finally, as I cast back to my memory in the toilet, with my head over the toilet bowl and Jesus standing beside me,   loving me regardless,   I hold so true to my heart his PROFOUND GRACE and FORGIVENESS. My hope for you is to discover his PROFOUND GRACE & FORGIVENESS yourself. This truth is life changing and your life will never be the same again…

Yours in Christ,

[Name withheld].