1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire …and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

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4. Back in the 1800s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California .
This, of course, is the origin of the expression  ¢â‚¬“ “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”

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5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

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6. A famous Viking explorer (Leif Eriksson) returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologised profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

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7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that… The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

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8. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you bluntly, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

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9. “Or the Eskimos who went out on a particularly frosty day to go fishing. Even with thick bear furs on, they just couldn’t get warm. They had a little fire pan in their four-man kayak, but soon their meagre supplies of dried moss were used up.

Bit by bit, they broke pieces off the frame of their kayak to keep the fire going as they fished. Sadly, one of them broke off the final piece that kept the kayak floating. It collapsed and all four fishermen were cast into the waters.

Which goes to show that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.”

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10. The 1980s singer, Martika, had a particularly unpleasant child living in next flat named Wilbur. He was rude, he deliberately broke her flowerpot at the door, he even tried to kick her once. “Mrs Dunn, please do something,” she pleaded, but  to no avail. “Oh, Wilby,” Mrs Dunn used to say, “Don’t do that, darling!” But, of course, the child paid no attention at all. Daily there was an assault of some kind on the young woman.

Of course a hit record followed.