A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”

The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”

The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

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Insurance

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

“I just had a baby,” I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.

“Congratulations! I’ll get all of your information and activate your policy,” she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, “Was this a work-related incident?”

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Sunbathing

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

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Slow Down

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. “Officer you can’t give me a ticket for that!’

“Why not” said the officer.

“Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same.”

“But you did not stop” replied the officer, “and the sign says STOP.”

“But the way was clear and it was safe” replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.

“What are you doing!” yells the motorist in surprise.

“Do you want me to slow down or stop?” says the officer.

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Cooking Woes

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

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Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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