Long-time readers might recall that a few years ago, I wrote an editorial titled “Email: Bad Bearer of Bad News?” In that article, I examined the pros and cons of using email to deliver bad news, whether to let someone know about an illness or death, to break up a romance or marriage, or to say, “You’re fired.” Back then, most readers who responded agreed that such news should be delivered in person. Since then, though, the way we live and communicate has undergone some changes. Today, email seems pretty personal in comparison to the far less private venues by which we sometimes send or receive bad news. This week, for the third time in my life, I found out that someone in my family had died – via Facebook. And perhaps the most notable thing about that is that it no longer even seems strange to get the news that way.

I’m guessing at least a few readers will have some very negative comments about this. A few years ago, I would have, too. But the simple fact is that Facebook has become the primary way that my family members and I stay in touch. People change their email addresses and even their telephone numbers. More than once, I’ve sent mail to one of my aunts or cousins, only to get back a message that it can’t be delivered, that the mailbox is full, or that my IP address is being blocked by spam filters. It’s not easy to reach me by phone; when I’m working, driving or in a meeting, I often turn off the ringer. This particular time, it happened during the wee hours of the morning. My relative was being considerate by sending the message on Facebook instead of trying to call and almost certainly waking me up. Would I have minded? No, of course not – but I still appreciate the intent. I also recognize that she was very upset at that moment. She probably didn’t feel like talking to anyone, other than those to whom she’s closest. She also had plenty to do. I think it would be inconsiderate of me to expect her to put herself through a phone call at such an emotional time.

I want to make it clear, too, that these were private messages. It’s a little different when you learn about a tragedy through a public posting. A friend of mine told me how he logged onto his computer one day and discovered, through a status update on his sister’s Twitter account, that their brother had been killed in a motor vehicle accident. Granted, he and his sister were estranged – one of those silly things where people haven’t spoken to each other in years and neither really remembers why. Still, he was fairly close to his brother, who lived in the same town as the sister. You would think most people would make sure all the relatives had been notified before tweeting about something like that (actually, I can’t imagine tweeting about it at all; the way I use the social networks, anyone can follow me on Twitter – and almost 2500 people do – whereas I exercise a bit more control over my Facebook account).

One problem with using social networks to deliver sensitive information is that a large proportion of people don’t seem to have quite mastered the interface. I’m always seeing people post messages on their own walls that were obviously meant for just one person, not their entire brigade of friends. It could be embarrassing (and in some cases, even dangerous) if you think you’re sending a private message and it ends up in a very public “place.”

Another problem is that when people are delivering bad news, they often are in an emotional state and not thinking clearly. So even those who normally would know better may end up airing their dirty laundry, either intentionally in the throes of grief or anger or despair, or inadvertently because they were too upset to pay attention to what they were doing. I’ll never forget the weekend night that I sat at my computer and watched in abject horror as a friend’s marriage fell apart right in front of my eyes – and the eyes of her other 642 Facebook friends. Her status update that she had thrown her husband out of the house resulted in retaliatory comments from him, to which she replied in kind, and the conversation thread kept escalating until he posted “I want a divorce.”

Oh, wow. It’s bad enough when something like that happens via email or text messaging, but at least those venues don’t include an audience. “I want a divorce” delivered via Facebook? Seriously? That’s like having a screaming match in a public place where all your friends, family members and co-workers are gathered. And it’s awfully hard for a relationship to recover from a fumble like that. Sure, you can go back and delete all the posts from your page, but people remember. And both parties are likely to feel pretty awkward interacting with those same people in the future, especially if they get back together. My friend ended up deleting her Facebook account altogether after the incident.

Some readers may see the above as “proof” that social networking is a bad thing. I would disagree. It’s a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used for good or for evil, wisely or foolishly. A hammer and saw, in the hands of a master carpenter, can create a beautiful piece of furniture. In the hands of a psychopathic killer, they can become implements of murder. A telephone can be used to call 9-1-1 and save a life, or it can be used to stalk and harass a victim. Likewise social networking sites can bring people together – or destroy the relationships they already have.

I would even argue that for some of us, the social networking sites force us to be more civilized than we otherwise might. The very aspect of social sites such as Facebook that is most often disparaged by critics – the “lumping together” of all your contacts from different parts of your life: family, friends, co- workers, old college buddies – may actually discourage bad behavior. When replying to a freewheeling friend’s comment on your status update, you have to stop and think about the fact that your mom and your boss are going to read it, too. And stopping and thinking before you put something questionable into written, persistent form is always a good idea.

Whether we like it or not (and in many cases, I don’t), our customs and mores are evolving and what was considered right and proper a few decades ago is no longer de rigueur. I was reminded of that when I attended the memorial service of my family member, attired in a black dress with hose and heels as I was taught to dress for a funeral, and saw young women there in jeans. I have to remember that today’s kids didn’t grow up with the same societal rules and expectations that I learned. Is there anything inherently wrong with wearing whatever makes you comfortable when you go to pay your respects to a loved one? I seriously doubt my deceased cousin would have cared what I wore. Are the old rules about which communications methods are “proper” just as outdated as the dress codes?

Tell us what you think about the trend toward using social networks to deliver bad news – and, or that matter, good news. Is it okay to let your spouse know all is not well by changing your Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s complicated?” What about friends who use the social network to announce that they’re engaged or having a baby instead of calling you up and telling you in person? Do the social networks create an atmosphere that encourages less civility – or more? Or do they merely put a light on whatever your natural tendencies are (i.e., those who “let it all hang out” on their Facebook pages are the same ones who tend to be drama queens in real life, too)? We invite you to share your opinions and thoughts on this subject in our forum at
http://www.wxpnews.com/110614-Forum

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