Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
“Nobody in school likes me,” he complained. “The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school.”
“But you have to go to school,” said his mother sternly. “You’re healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the ‘Principal’.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.”
Without Bias
Judge to the court, at the start of a case: “I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.
Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.
I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias.”
Why ENGLISH is so Hard to Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Father O’Brian said “this is a very lonely job and I don’t think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day.”
“What?!” Exclaimed the Bishop. “You’ve taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn’t reflect well on the church.”
“But the loneliness, I just couldn’t stand it. If it weren’t for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane.”
The Bishop thought a moment, then said “I guess that is understandable considering…”
With that the priest said to the Bishop, “Would you like to have a martini with me?”
The Bishop said, “well, I really shouldn’t but…Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once.”
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, “Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?”
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