Fined

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Joe.

“It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

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Romantic

An older couple was lying in bed one night…

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to nibble my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Carol’s Gun

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

“Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added….

“And, Carol?”

“Yes, mom?”

“Call them first and let them know you’re coming.”

Surgeon ¢â‚¬â„¢s Roast

Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon.

While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: “How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”

When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up:

“Anybody can take one apart, Harry. Now let’s see you put it back together again.”

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A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. “Is Fred home?” he asked the woman who answered the door. “Sorry,” the woman replied. “Fred’s gone for cotton.”

The next day the collector tried again. “Is Fred here today?” “No, sir,” she said, “I’m afraid Fred has gone for cotton.”

When he returned the third day he humphed, “I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?” “No,” the woman answered solemnly, “Fred died yesterday.”

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with this inscription:

“Gone, But Not for Cotton.”

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