2. What happened when you ‘came out of the closet’? I was sexually assaulted at 14 just before I realized I was gay and didn’t tell anyone about it until I was 17. For three years I lived in fear of going to hell and that I was the only one in the church that was attracted to men. The first person I told was the leader of the church. He was very kind and understanding and it just felt like such a relief when i got it ‘out’…. The next day he told my uncle, my mother and my father! This was followed by 7 years of gruelling repentance, prayer and various forms of ‘teaching’ and ‘practices’ to make me straight. I didn’t officially come out and proud until just over a year ago. It was one of the most relieving moments in my life to openly say to my family and friends that I was gay. It was then that I did not have to live a lie anymore. I did receive mixed reactions, my parents and friends got angry and said that I could ‘change’ with God’s help. My older married brother and his wife told me that they loved me and that with time they believed I could change. My sister just screwed up her nose and said ‘Eeeew!’. And best of all, my little brother who is 18 just shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘I love you anyway’.

3. What was the reaction of people in your church? Well….. I only told some of my closest friends in the church and my best friend, also a relative, told me I was an agent of the devil and that I didn’t love The Lord Jesus anymore. Therefore he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. A day after we had been best friends….! But I suppose ultimately the reaction was excommunication. I had stop going to church a few months before I was cut off because I was sick of being humiliated and discouraged by the condemning preachings of the leader. He also felt it appropriate to tell his family and so I received a lot of taunting and mocking from his sons. This lasted for 5 years before I ended up leaving.

4. What’s been hardest for you? The hardest part I found was losing everyone I loved so well but mostly losing my Mum. Mum was the closest and dearest person in my life, I often feel like someone has taken a large bite out of my heart and there’s no way that will ever be filled or replaced.  ¢â‚¬ËœHomosexuals have no place in eternity and barred from being saved……unless they ‘change’ ¢â‚¬â„¢. This is still current and pains me very much that there are people I know in the church, living an unhappy lie within the church and they feel they cannot escape.

5. Have you ever been suicidal? What happened? Ashamedly, yes. Three times actually. First was when I was nearly 15 and I had the torture of the sexual assault and the fact that I was different to everyone else got too much, I felt like I was so evil and disgusting and for nearly two years I had a stupid belief that I may’ve been the man of sin….. I didn’t really know what I was doing so I took a cocktail of drugs and hoped for the best, well all it did was make me vomit for hours on end and feel very faint. The second time was when I was early 20s . I was more determined this time so I took and even larger cocktail of sleeping tablets, antidepressants, pain killers and a bottle of vodka. I managed to keep this lot down but Mum suspected something and called one of the leader’s sons. When I started to flake out he asked me what was going on and took me to his father’s house. It was this night I realized I was not in the right place and that my faith at that time was purely based on the fear and control of the leader. He hit my face, swore at me, pushed me to the ground, knocked my head against a wall then spent nearly half an hour yelling abuse at me. I was apparently officially going to hell at that time. The third and (hopefully) last time was early this year. It had all just got too much ¢â‚¬ ¦ the absence of my Mum and my life was spinning out of control. I drove my car into a wall at 90km/h and came out totally unscratched and uninjured. My parents came and visited me in hospital and told me it was God speaking to me but disagreed when I said I believed it was God speaking in saving me.