It’s all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

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Wine does not make you FAT; it makes you LEAN …

…. against tables, chairs, floors, walls & ugly people.

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

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Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

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Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said,  ¢â‚¬Å“I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Then do what I do, ¢â‚¬  said Fred,  ¢â‚¬Å“close your eyes. ¢â‚¬ 

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This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID and you’re not now. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”

The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, … I’m giving you a ticket.”

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