A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.

His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief,  but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”

The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”

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People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

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“Old Soldiers” …

** Old Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

** Old Accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

** Bank managers don’t die, they just lose interest.

** Vehicle mechanics? They retire every day.

** Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

** Old librarians never retire, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

** Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

** Old plumbers never die, They just get out of sink and go down the drain.

** Old mimes never die, they’re just never heard from again.

** Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.

** Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

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Two women are talking on their daily walk. One says, “It’s really hard to lose weight as I get older. I remain apple-shaped no matter what I do.”

“I know.” said the other. “I exercise all the time and there’s still too much fat. Funny how you have your weight in the stomach mine is on my backside and thighs.”

“It’s true!” replied the first. “The lard works in mysterious ways.”

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A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.

This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.

He replies, “In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking…”

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