During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of ¢â‚¬”including rewards, scoldings, and threats ¢â‚¬”to get her fidgety 7-year-old to be quiet. Nothing worked. Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy ¢â‚¬â„¢s ear.

He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service. Afterward a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son.

The mother smiled slyly and replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“If you don ¢â‚¬â„¢t be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he ¢â‚¬â„¢ll have to start his sermon all over again. ¢â‚¬ 

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A Holdup:

The police officer arrived at the scene of a grocery store holdup and said to the clerk who had been robbed, “You say the suspect helped himself to 3 bags of pretzels, the cash register and a pair of pants?”

“That’s right, officer,” said the clerk.

“I’m glad you didn’t chase after him,” said the cop.

“How could I?” replied the clerk. “They were my pants!”

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A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s meat case. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher. The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs… ¢â‚¬ 

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A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

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The preacher said, “There’s no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up.”

Nobody stood up.

“Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up.”

One elderly gentleman stood up.

“Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?” he asked, somewhat amazed.

“Well now, I didn’t know him personally,” replied the little old man, “but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife’s first husband.”

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