Mrs. Flanders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist,

“Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets,  and a ruby pendant.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those,” he told her.

I know, it’s in case I die before my husband. I’m sure he’d remarry, and I want her to go nuts looking for my jewelry.”

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An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted  a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer, “What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby”.

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A pirate got captured. The sailor said to him, “How did you get that wooden leg?”

“Well it was me shark that bit it off.”

“And how did you get that hook on your arm?”

“It was me shark that bit it off.”

The sailor said, “So how did you get that patch on your eye?”

The pirate said, “Well a seagull flew by and pooped on my eye.”

The sailor said, “How would seagull poop give you a patch?”

The pirate says, “It was me first day with me hook.”

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A Pastor asked if anyone had a scripture relating to marriage.

Someone in the back of the room piped up and said,

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

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A lovely Jewish woman was to be wed to a handsome Catholic man.

Traditions were equally important to both families and this made choosing  a theme song for their wedding a major challenge.

The groom’s brother had a rich operatic voice and was especially noted for singing Ave Maria.

The bride’s Mama, realizing the dilemma sighed and said “Oy vey!”

“That’s it!” replied the groom. Oy Vey Maria was jubilantly sung.

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