It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2? ¢â‚¬  Steven said,  ¢â‚¬Å“That ¢â‚¬â„¢s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch. ¢â‚¬ 

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A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.  ¢â‚¬ËœYou ¢â‚¬â„¢ll get your chance in court, ¢â‚¬â„¢ says the desk sergeant.

 ¢â‚¬ËœNo, no, no! says the man.  ¢â‚¬ËœI want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been trying to do that for years! ¢â‚¬â„¢

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One day in junior church, I taught about Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked who remembered last week’s Bible hero. No hands went up.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll give you a clue: he fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets.” Still no response.

“Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn God’s will,” I said. Ten little blank faces stared at me.

“One final clue,” I pleaded. “There are people today with the same name as our hero, who go around to hotels putting Bibles in the rooms.”

Finally an eager 8-year-old boy shot up his hand and said, “Oh! Oh! It was Hilton!”

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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”

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A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. “There” says the vet, ¢â‚¬  Your hamster is dead”. Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head. “It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. “That will be  £1000, please”. “A  £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead” fumes the man. “Well”, says the vet, “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan”.

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