We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

=============

An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.” And he did play well.

Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

Replied the Octogenarian, “I do! Would you give me a hand, here?”

==============

“Get this.” said the bloke to his mates, “Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

“Did he get anything.” his mates asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a busted arm. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

==============

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”

==============

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late – again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon’s quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, “Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned.”

====================

If you would like to be added to John’s Clean Humor list send a blank email to [email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the subject line.