My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”

“Really, …” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked .

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown.’

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –

I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’