A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

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“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I’ll take two.”

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Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?

A: A widow.

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The Elevator

A family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, “What’s this, Dad?” The father responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your Mom.”

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Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City.

They both order pints of Guinness.

One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Dublin are you from?”

“The East Side.”

“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where on the East Side are you from?”

“McDonagh Street.”

“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?”

“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender, “it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

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“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

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An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.” She asked him “if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?” he said “sure, I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.” then she asked “well would you two live in this house?” he replied “sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.” she asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?” he snickered and said “yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to rid of it.” she asked irately, “well would she use my golf clubs?” he replied with a straight, serious face “no. She’s left handed.”

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The boss was concerned that his employees weren ¢â‚¬â„¢t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said  ¢â‚¬Å“I ¢â‚¬â„¢m the Boss ¢â‚¬  and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his.  ¢â‚¬Å“Your wife called. She wants her sign back! ¢â‚¬ 

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?  ¢â‚¬Å“The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.  ¢â‚¬Å“How?” asks the man, puzzled.  ¢â‚¬Å“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field.”

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