An online friend sent me these (so don’t blame me if they’re corny/whatever :-)!

God doesn’t believe in Atheists.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Earth is 98% full…please delete any politicians or bureaucrats you can.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As I have said before, I never repeat myself.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Q: Why did Dracula fail art class?

A: Because he could only draw blood!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cousin Jim’s Thought for the Day:

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

REFORM JEWS

…We’re the ones who don’t butter our ham sandwiches during the holidays.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger, who had become aware of the dampness, asked the attendant, “Has it been raining?” Keeping straight-faced, the attendant answered,

“Yes… but we put the top up.”

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.

That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. ”

 ¢â‚¬“xxxxxxxxxx

The Meek shall inherit the earth… …after we’re through with it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you have to give me bad news?” grinned. “Tell me good news for once.”

“All right. Here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: ” would very much like to bring my dog with me.

He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: “SIR: I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time,

I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

“Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife. By the second day, they were already fighting.

“Your dresses are too tight,” he screamed. “You look like a tramp!”

“Oh,” she replied, “You want to see me in something long and flowing?

If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I’ll get in it.”

So he pushed her into the river.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

New car

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One night at the dinner table, his wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more?”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

FOOTBALL GAME

During a foot ball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire.

No matter what happened on the field, she continuously yelled, “Kill the umpire!”

This went on for an hour. Finally, another fan called out, “Lady, the umpire hasn’t done anything wrong!”

“Hey,” she yelled back, “How the hell would you know? He’s my husband, not yours!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cab in Rome

Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows they’re some of the world’s most brazen,& reckless drivers.

Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn’t all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

“Easy,” he said. “All the bad drivers are dead.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Deaf men

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”

The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me a telling off for being out so late.”

The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”

The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Attorney/witness

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Respectable lady

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight int o his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife!

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

UNION RULES

The man said ¢â‚¬  ¢â‚¬  As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick barge.

After my dive I spent the required time in the decompression chamber, and went to bed.

Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to see the entire dive crew sitting around. I asked one colleague, dressed in his wetsuit, why work had stopped.

Without looking up at me, he replied, “It’s raining.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seated at dinner, the cannibal murmured, I don’t care for your friend at all.

His wife replied, “So, just eat the vegetables.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Honey

Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.

They stopped their first night at a hotel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn’t had any renovations done since day one.

They were preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.

When Doug returned to the room,it was very dark, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, “Honey? Honey?.

There was no response.

He tried again, “Honey? Hey, honey!” a bit louder this time.

Still no reply.

Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said, “This ain’t no beehive you damn fool, this here’s the toilet.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The man said ¢â‚¬ I was watching the aerobic championships on TV with my daughter- in-law.

A smiling blonde young thing was performing. Sleek, solid, with not an extra ounce on her finely-toned body,

she was bouncing and darting about, her rapid arm and leg movements in sync with the music.

Glancing down at my added poundage and expanded middle, I lamented to Kimberly, “Would you believe that at one time I looked like that?”

“You were blonde?” she asked.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the horse he rode came in dead last. “Couldn’t you have raced any faster?” he raged.

“Sure I could have,” answered the jockey. “But you know we’re supposed to stay on the horse.” —

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Clock

A young pretty female schoolteacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, “Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?”

One little girl stood up and said, “It has a face.”

Another girl raised her hand and said, “It has hands.”

“Splendid,” said the teacher, “now what has the clock that I haven’t got?”

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, “You ain’t got no pendulum, Miss.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On a trip to the mall, a couple agreed to split up, visit their favourite shops and meet up again in an hour and a half. So while he visited the bike shop and the sporting goods store, she concentrated on the biggest clothing store. When he met up with her ninety minutes later as arranged outside the clothing store, she was carrying a dozen bags filled with clothes.

“I don’t believe it!” he exclaimed. “Have you really bought all that?”

“Well, yes,” she replied. Then gesturing towards the interior of the shop, she added:

“But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A friend of mine works in an office where a computer failure causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

“This computer has flat-lined!” a co-worker called out with mock horror. `”Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On a given night, two death row prison inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on ‘Old Sparky.’ While one execution is in progress,

the Priest administers the last rites to the other condemned man in his cell. “Don’t worry, my son,” says the Priest, “as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won’t feel a thing.”

Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The Priest immediately asks one of the guards, “What is all this screaming about?”

“Not to worry Pastor, we had a power failure, so we’re finishing the first execution by candles.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A Soldier, a Sailor, and an Airman, , got into an argument about which service is “The Best.” The arguing became so heated, that they eventually ended up killing each other.

Soon, they found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Soon they meet St Peter and decide that only he would be the ultimate source of truth and honesty so they ask him:

“St Peter, which branch of the Armed Forces is the best?”

St. Peter instantly replies: “I can’t answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him.”

Some time later the three of them see St. Peter again and remind him of the question and ask if he was able to find the answer.

Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter’s shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note with glistening gold dust.

St. Peter says to the three men, “Your answer from the Lord. Let’s see what he says.” St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and

St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four young men:

MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SAILORS , AND AIRMEN

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

Gentlemen, all the Branches of the Armed Services are ‘Honourable and Noble.

Each of you serves your country well and with distinction.

Being a member of the the Armed Forces of the Crown represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication. Be proud of that.

But the Air Force is far superior.

Yours sincerely,

I AM

Air Vice Marshal RAAF (Retired)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Physical

Following Smith’s physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill. A month went by without a remittance, so the office sent a reminder letter, then another bill, and then another reminder letter, and then another, but no payment came.

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a snapshot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, “The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!”

Barely a week later, a response from Smith arrived in the mail. Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, “The reason I can’t pay!”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Golden Oldie:

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“A man in China discovered a new kind of fish that looks like it has

wings and legs. The discovery has led to questions from biologists –

and a bidding war between KFC and Red Rooster.” –

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He is told “first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then

they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many

more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.

Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in?

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He is told “fist they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed

of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there

so many people waiting to get in?” asked the man.

“Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work.

The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.

And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business”.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A visiting minister was very long-winded.

Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation

responded with “Amen” or “That’s right, preacher” he would get

wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host Pastor started responding to every few sentences

with “Amen, Pharaoh!” The guest minister wasn’t sure what that

meant, but after several more “Amen, Pharaohs” he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the

visiting minister turned to his host and asked, “What exactly did

you mean when you said “Amen, Pharaoh?”

His host replied, “I was telling you to let my people go!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labour.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man,

“Congratulations, You’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what was wrong.

He moans, “I work for Seven-Eleven!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx