A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni ® suit, Gucci ® shoes, RayBan ® sunglasses and YSL ® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell ® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 ® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop ® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot ® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL ® database through an ODBC connected Excel ® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry ® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet ® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud..

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.”

~~

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

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One day a boy asked his grandpa “grandpa make a frog sound”

The grandfather asked why?

The boy said, “Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii ¢â‚¬ 

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.’ Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Clean my house.”

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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said,  ¢â‚¬Å“Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last? ¢â‚¬ 

I replied:  ¢â‚¬Å“You really want to know? ¢â‚¬ 

Then I dropped out of the race.

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk….

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $1,000. Can I buy it?”

MAN: “OK, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: How much?”

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: “For that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! One more thing. … The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $450,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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~~

The school inspector is assigned to the Year 4 class in one of the local Brisbane State schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class, “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”.

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.

He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.

Bruce stands up and replies: “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn’t me”.

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous Bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: “Well, I’ve known Bruce since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it”.

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : “I don’t know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage, dials Prime Minister Julia Gillard’s telephone number and rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the State.

The PM sighs heavily and replies: “I don’t know the boy, the teacher or the principal, but just get three quotes and have the wall fixed!!”

~~

OK, as we get older we have to be aware of issues like this.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all,  ¢â‚¬Å“Honey, ¢â‚¬  I stammered. I always call her  ¢â‚¬Å“honey ¢â‚¬  in times like these.  ¢â‚¬Å“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen. ¢â‚¬ 

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane ¢â‚¬â„¢s voice.  ¢â‚¬Å“Ken ¢â‚¬  she barked,  ¢â‚¬Å“I dropped you off! ¢â‚¬  Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,  ¢â‚¬Å“Well, come and get me. ¢â‚¬  Diane retorted,  ¢â‚¬Å“I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?! ¢â‚¬ 