Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. “And where do you think you are going?”

Driver: – “I’m not sure, but I must be late because everyone else is coming back.”

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.
He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?”

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
“I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry,
as I just shot them all dead!”

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller,
“I thought you said you had shot them all!”

The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

==============

Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said,
 ¢â‚¬Å“Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40? ¢â‚¬ 

Little Johnny quickly replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network! ¢â‚¬ 

==============

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!”

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An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

===================

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

“I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”

“My Billy used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”

“How?”

“I hid his teeth.”

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