A new business was opening, and one of the owner ¢â‚¬â„¢s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said.  ¢â‚¬Å“Rest in Peace ¢â‚¬ 

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said,  ¢â‚¬Å“Sir, I ¢â‚¬â„¢m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,  ¢â‚¬Å“Congratulations on you new location. ¢â‚¬ 
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

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A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.
He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.

In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but
as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him was he drinking at the pub last night.

He denied it but she said, “I know you were there…” he maintained his innocence until “…the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again….”

===================

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, “Were you religious in life? Did you Attend church services?”

“No.”

St. Peter told him, “That’s bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?”

“No.”

“That too was bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?”

“No.”

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man said, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

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