A man was in the kitchen making a lot of noise! His wife comes in and asks why he was making so much noise? The man replies: “I am killing flies.”

A short time later his wife came back and he was still making lots of noise!

She asks: “Well, Mr.Big Shot, how many flies have you killed?”

He says: “I have killed seven flies! 4 males and 3 females.”

She says: “Right, how can you tell the sex of flies?”

He says: “Very easy: the 4 flies in my right hand are males. When I killed them, they were all on bear cans!”

Then she asks: “If you are so smart, how can you tell the sex of the females?”

He says: “The three in my left hand were all on the phone!!!”

======================

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.”

===============

A man at the airline counter tells the rep.  ¢â‚¬Å“I ¢â‚¬â„¢d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.

The rep says,  ¢â‚¬Å“I ¢â‚¬â„¢m sorry sir. We can ¢â‚¬â„¢t do that. ¢â‚¬ 

The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did the last time I flew with you.

===============

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.  ¢â‚¬Å“

Why did the foreman fire you? ¢â‚¬  the friend asked in surprise.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Oh, ¢â‚¬  Peter said,  ¢â‚¬Å“you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“We all know that, ¢â‚¬  replied his friend.  ¢â‚¬Å“But why did he let you go? ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Jealousy, ¢â‚¬  answered Pete.  ¢â‚¬Å“All the other workers thought I was the foreman. ¢â‚¬ 

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Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said,  ¢â‚¬Å“You ¢â‚¬â„¢re really doing great, aren ¢â‚¬â„¢t you? ¢â‚¬ 

Maurice replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“Just doing what you said, Doc:  ¢â‚¬Å“Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. ¢â‚¬ 

The doctor said,  ¢â‚¬Å“I did not say that. I said,  ¢â‚¬Å“You got a heart murmur. Be careful. ¢â‚¬ 

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~~

ADVICE FOR THE OVERWEIGHT………

I have just discovered this important information which I have set out below.

I don’t know why I have not figured this out sooner.

It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning………..FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.

No wonder I have been gaining weight.

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.

Its label reads………….DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem solved!!

If I don’t answer the phone I will be in the shower!!!

~~

THE CATHOLIC COUPLE

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer….for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

‘What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’

Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple.

‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted:

‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?’