Dinner

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”
He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
“Not you,” she said. “You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

~~

Fired

Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the bar and chatting. Pauly looks forlorn and Maury asks him what if there are any problems.

Pauly: “I got fired from my construction job.”

Maury” “What happened?”

“You know what a foreman is?” asked Pauly. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”

“What’s that got to do with it?” asked Maury

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Pauly explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

~~

The rabbit is *very* dead, and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbour replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

There must be some real sick people out there!”

~~

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colourful meal to my family.

“The more colours are served, the more variety of nutrients,” I told them.

Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many different colours do you see?”
“Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”

The man said  ¢â‚¬Å“My wife arrived back from her driving test. “So,” I asked excitedly, “how did you get on?”
“Not good,” she replied. “He failed me.”
“Oh dear!” I said, sympathetically. “It can’t be that bad; what did he pull you up on?”
“A rope,” she replied. “The car’s still in the river.”

~~

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn’t so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help, Help!” The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut up or we’ll BOTH lose our jobs!”

===============

A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning. ¢â‚¬  I ¢â‚¬â„¢m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. ¢â‚¬  He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

=============

Friendship between women: A woman doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house.

The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend ¢â‚¬â„¢s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

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