Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, “What are all those clocks?”

Saint Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.  Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

“Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.

“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

You’re right,” She said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

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3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm.”

“Well put,” the judge replied with a grin. “Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

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Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”

He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

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A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother,  ¢â‚¬Å“Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Then why are you so sad? ¢â‚¬  her mother asked.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t believe there ¢â‚¬â„¢s hell! ¢â‚¬ 

Her mother replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we ¢â‚¬â„¢ll show him how wrong he is. ¢â‚¬ 

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: ¢â‚¬  Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”

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Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.

Good. I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll take two of them.

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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected]  with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.