#1     How to Catch a White Elephant

Go to a place where there are white elephants.   Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).   Climb a tree.   When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.   The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).   White elephants like muffins (with raisins).   Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.   After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).   The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without raisins.   Drop the muffin as usual.   When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.   And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

#2     Woof Woof

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said. “And you can have him for five dollars.” The neighbour said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ¢â‚¬â„¢s no such animal.”

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. “Please buy me, Sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”

“Hey!” said the neighbour. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”

 ¢â‚¬Å“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”

~~

A pun my soul — (Upon my soul)

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the worst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!