A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
“What are you doing?” asked his mom.
“The box says you shouldn’t eat them if the seal is broken,” said the little boy. “I’m looking for the seal.”
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Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
¢â‚¬Å“I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds, property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation. ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“And that is? ¢â‚¬
¢â‚¬Å“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death. ¢â‚¬
The lawyer seemed puzzled. ¢â‚¬Å“Why make such an unusual request? ¢â‚¬
Mr. Sams answered, ¢â‚¬Å“Because I want someone to be sorry I died. ¢â‚¬
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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her
youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens
intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get this
trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to
marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.
~~
Actual writings in Rockingham Hospital Records ¢â‚¬“
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993….
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
~~
Wife texts husband on a cold winter ¢â‚¬â„¢s morning:
“Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back:
“Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
“Computer completely stuffed now.”
~~
A 17 year-old boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, “I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day.”
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Teacher to a student: “Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?”
“Yes, sir! I’d put all the men on one island and the women on another.”
“And what would they be doing then?”
“Building boats!”
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, “Good morning son.”
“Good morning pastor” replied the young man, not taking his eyes off
the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
“Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”
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The teacher asked little Peter; “If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have? ¢â‚¬
” Big Hands, ” said Peter.
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to [email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.
~~
Found this on a chat forum about the North America weather situation:
” I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota near
the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has
been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping
way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His
wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in. ”
~~
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
To which his father replied: “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
Discussion
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