Humor

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
-E.B. White

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
-Mark Twain

“A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.”
-Willy Wonka

“Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.”
-Oscar Wilde

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”
-Oscar Wilde

“WARNING: Intelligence+Humor=Bitchiness, if you turn to the dark side of the force.”
-TJ O’Donnell

“Never attribute to malice that which is more easily explained by stupidity.”
-Anonymous

“From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
-Groucho Marx

“There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.”
-Oscar Wilde

“Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.”
-Golda Meir

“Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right.”
-Isaac Asimov

“The only thing I use my body for is to carry my brain around.”
-Thomas Edison

“Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.”
-Quentin Crisp

“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap!”
-Dolly Parton

“Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses – drag them down to YOUR level. It’s cheaper.”
-Quentin Crisp

“The only completely consistent people are dead.”
-Aldous Huxley

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
-Aldous Huxley

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
-Robin Williams

“When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.”

-Jonathan Swift

“Black holes = God divided by zero.”
-Anonymous

“People who have no vices are bound to have some pretty annoying virtues.”
-Elizabeth Taylor

“Sincerity is the most important thing in all relationships. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
-Oscar Wilde

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
-Anonymous

“I used to think I never made mistakes, but I was mystaken.”
-Anonymous

“[Sir, you’re drunk!] Yes, madam, but in the morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly!”
-Winston Churchill

“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
-Tom Servo

“My brain is my second-favorite organ.”
-Woody Allen

“If you don’t grow up by age 35, you don’t have to.”
-James Gurney

“If God had meant us to be naked, we would have been born that way.”
-Anonymous

“Are the gods not just? Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?”
-C.S. Lewis

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
-Tom Waits

“Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven’t tried before.”
-Mae West

“In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.”

-Rico Cozzio

~~ culled from  http://www.cs.uic.edu/~tj/quotes.html