Judge: Haven ¢â‚¬â„¢t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
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A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security,
he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
he replied, ¢â‚¬Å“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. ¢â‚¬
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An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start.
A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
“But I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said the idiot. “I think I am planting them too deep.”
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
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A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center.
Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.
By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and
not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly,
“Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk.
“With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you’ll be home in no time.”
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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.
~~
Queensland Bush Nut Tree Near a Cemetery.
(There are various versions of this story)…
On the outskirts of town, there was an old Queensland bush nut tree near the cemetery.
One day, two boys got a bucket and filled it with nuts and sat down behind a large tomb stone, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Some dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding past on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘You won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’
The boy insisted and the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?’
Shaking with fear, they gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord, but were unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy then heard, ‘One for you, one for me.
That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can’t count your hair.
2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you….
1) You are reading this
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then laugh some more and sing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” – even when it’s not.
“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”
~~
ALTERNATIVE BLONDE JOKE
A blonde walks into a New York City Bank and asks to see the Loan Officer, advising she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The Loan Officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the blonde returns, repays the $5000, and the interest which is $15.41
The Loan Officer says “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you’re a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?”
The blonde replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for just $15?”
~~
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They
were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see
them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. “Where is God?”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What
happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: “We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”
~~
On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently”.
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park …” then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
~~
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. “Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!” Charlie is confused. “At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”
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A women ¢â‚¬â„¢s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, ¢â‚¬Å“Where would man be today if it were not for woman? ¢â‚¬
She paused a moment and looked around the room. ¢â‚¬Å“I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman? ¢â‚¬
From the back of the room came a voice, ¢â‚¬Å“He ¢â‚¬â„¢d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries. ¢â‚¬
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There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic: “When I die I’ll get it on my way up” chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.
==================
Peter says: ‘Doctor, I see double!’
‘Sit on the chair please’, the doctor says.
‘Which one?’ Peter replied.
==================
If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.
~~
LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “And she turned into a telephone pole!”
____________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on theArk ?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
______________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
______________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to theRed Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
______________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
______________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
______________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
______________________________
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir.” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
______________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
______________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”
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