The   SCOTTISH ‘Three Kick Rule’

A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

When you are educated, you’ll believe only half of what you hear.

When you’re intelligent, you know which half.

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Children’s Funny Ideas About Angels

-Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7

-Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8

-I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I’m sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I’m crazy. Molly, 8

-My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science. Henry, 8

-Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter. Jared , 8

-All angels are girls because they’ve got to wear dresses and boys don’t go for it. Antonia, 9

-Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

-Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9

-It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

-My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9

-When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.

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A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time……

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Pat says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador. ¢â‚¬   ¢â‚¬Å“Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t be stupid,” replies Mick, “haven ¢â‚¬â„¢t you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

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19 blondes go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”

One blonde replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

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An Asian guy has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

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Irish Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. Do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) — otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.