A mechanic was removing a  BMW M3 ¢â‚¬â„¢s  cylinder head  when he saw that a well-known cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to  check his car.

The mechanic shouted across the  garage:  “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over.

The  mechanic  straightened up, wiped his hands and asked: “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair or replace anything damaged, put everything back in, and when I finish it works just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make over a million, when we are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist replied:  “Try doing it with the engine running.”

~~

A young lady was running back and forth from her computer and her mailbox.

Then the mailman came up to her and asked her what she was doing. she replied,

“My dumb computer keeps saying ‘you’ve got mail.”

==============

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

==============

Bob stood over his tee shot on the golf course for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained.

“I want to make a perfect shot.” “Good lord!” his companion exclaimed.

“You don’t have a snowball’s chance of hitting her from here.”

==============

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

=============

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:

“We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week.

A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.

She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”

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If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected]  with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.

~~

Was this put together by a retired English teacher?

Read all the way to the end……………..

This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polishfurniture..

5) He could lead if he would get thelead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like thepresent, he thought it was time topresent the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong towind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is‘UP.’

It’s easy to understand  UP,meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake  UP  ?
At a meeting, why does a topic comeUP?
Why do we speak  UP  and why are the officers  UP  for election and why is itUP  to the secretary to write  UP  a report?
We call  UP  our friends.
And we use it to brighten  UP  a room, polish  UP  the silver; we warm  UP  the leftovers and clean  UP  the kitchen.
We lock  UP  the house and some guys fix  UP  the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir  UP  trouble, line  UP  for tickets, work  UP  an appetite, and think  UP  excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed  UP  is special.
A drain must be opened  UP  because it is stopped  UP.
We open  UP  a store in the morning but we close it  UP  at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed  UP  aboutUP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP,  look the word  UP  in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes  UPalmost 1/4th of the page and can addUP  to about thirty definitions.
If you are  UP  to it, you might try building  UP  a list of the many waysUP  is used.
It will take  UP  a lot of your time, but if you don’t give  UP,  you may wind  UPwith a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding  UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things  UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry  UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it  UP,
for now my time is  UP,
so…….it is time to shut  UP!
Now it’s  UP  to you what you do with this email.