A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

=================

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: “You can have mine.”

=================

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. ¢â‚¬ 

================

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a ‘Tale of two Cities’ and she gave birth to twins”

“That ¢â‚¬â„¢s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘The three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets”

The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty Thieves”!!!

~~

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening church
service, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the  act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts2:38!’  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins  may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks and just stood there. The woman calmly called the police and  explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why  did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to  you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!’

~~

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc., every time I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye.”

The doctor says, “Try taking the spoon out first.”

==================

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh! We ¢â‚¬â„¢ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.

“He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I’m listening.”

=================

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because  even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

=================

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife,  whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,  let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

================

Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking.

The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, “Mmm, What in bag?”

The farmer says, “It’s a bottle of wine that I got for my wife”.

Indian thinks for a second and says, “Mmm, good trade”.

=========================

If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to

[email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.

~~~

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched  desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were  running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately  sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source  for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle  of the desert.

“I’m so glad I found you!” the man cried. ” Please help me.
I’m in dire need of some water.”
“Well,” said the vendor, “I don’t have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties.”
“What am I going to do with a tie?” the man asked.
“That’s all I’m selling sir. If you don’t want a tie, I can’t help you.”
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles,
praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching
sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across
a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant
located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a
mirage, but decided to check it out anyway.
As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement,
seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. “Excuse me sir,”
the doorman said, “But you can’t come in here without a tie!”

===============

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

===============

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart.

 ¢â‚¬Å“How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never even met? ¢â‚¬  he demanded.

 ¢â‚¬Å“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never met scores a touchdown, ¢â‚¬  she replied.

===============

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house.

A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented:

“You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”

The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me, You ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got mail.”

===============

If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to      [email protected]  with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.