~~

The phone call from the boss.

My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?”

I said, “It ¢â‚¬â„¢s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”

“Can you do me a favour?” he asked.

I said “Of course, what is it?”

“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the group behind you.”

~~~

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like,

you can ju$t $end me a card, and something I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve indicated in this message,

a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

==========

A frustrated father told a work colleague:  ¢â‚¬Å“When I was a youngster,

I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.

But in my son ¢â‚¬â„¢s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“So what do you do? ¢â‚¬ 

The father replied:  ¢â‚¬Å“I send him to my room! ¢â‚¬ 

=======

If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected]  with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.

~~

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

“Certainly madam”, he replied courteously.

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

“Certainly madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

“Morning madam…sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

~~

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.

The door to his wife ¢â‚¬â„¢s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “you know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”

~~

Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his new-found comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine.

He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, “I make enough money now, I don’t have to shave myself. I’ll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on.” So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins.

His wife, Grace, said “I usually do the shaves anyway … sit down and I’ll shave you.”

So he did. She shaved him and he asked, “How much do I owe you?”

“$25,” Grace replied.

The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as the day before. Wow! he thought. That’s amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day three, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted,

“Friend, you were shaved by Grace … and once shaved, always shaved.”

~~

A man goes into a doctor’s office feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.  Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.  Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,  ‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house  and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest guy on Earth!’

‘Lucky?’ he screamed. ‘Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24’.

‘OMG,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the meat raffle as well !!!

~~

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fixed them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running”

=======

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”

He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

=======

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang

and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!”

=======

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

=======

Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?

Great food but no Atmosphere.

=======

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read:  ¢â‚¬Å“Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“How about that! ¢â‚¬  he exclaimed.  ¢â‚¬Å“They ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got three people buried in one grave. ¢â‚¬ 

=======

If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to  [email protected] with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.