An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist ¢â‚¬  Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,

emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband.

I’m sure  he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for  the jewelry.”

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, ¢â‚¬  Excuse me, can you help?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.

You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

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A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, “Cabin boy, get me my red shirt.” So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. “Cabin boy,” says the captain “get me my red shirt.” They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, “Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?” The captain responds, “Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don’t want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit.” “I see,” says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, “Cabin boy, get me my brown pants.”

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