For Lexophiles:

A bicycle can’t stand alone;
it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which never developed.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping centre,
you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a bridge in Paris,
you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair,
she thought she’d dye.

Santa’s little helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference,
Who acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was prosecuted for littering.

Two silk-worms had a race;
the result was a tie.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the football kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said ‘Keep off the Grass.’

Old soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans,

Don’t join dangerous cults;
practice safe sects.

~~

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

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Jay went to a psychiatrist.  ¢â‚¬Å“Doc, he said,  ¢â‚¬Å“I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there ¢â‚¬â„¢s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I ¢â‚¬â„¢m going crazy! ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Just put yourself in my hands for two years, ¢â‚¬  said the shrink.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Come to me three times a week and I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll cure you. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“How much do you charge? ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“A hundred dollars per visit. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“I ¢â‚¬â„¢ll think about it. ¢â‚¬ 

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

 ¢â‚¬Å“Why didn ¢â‚¬â„¢t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

 ¢â‚¬Å“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“Is that so! How? ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. ¢â‚¬ 

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A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning.

The wife says,  ¢â‚¬Å“I think your should do it because you get up first. ¢â‚¬ 

He counters with,  ¢â‚¬Å“The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is.

I think you should make the coffee. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“No way, ¢â‚¬  she says.  ¢â‚¬Å“You should do it. The Bible even says so. ¢â‚¬ 

 ¢â‚¬Å“What the heck are you talking about? ¢â‚¬ 

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section:  ¢â‚¬Å“Hebrews ¢â‚¬ 

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Teacher: ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

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