When conservative Christians find out I ¢â‚¬â„¢m gay, they almost all say the same thing:  ¢â‚¬Å“I know gay people think Christians hate them, but I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t.  I love gay people.  I may not agree with them, but I love them. ¢â‚¬ 

You ¢â‚¬â„¢d be surprised how often I hear this. Christians are  constantly  telling me how much they love me.

If they treat me disapprovingly, it ¢â‚¬â„¢s because they  ¢â‚¬Å“love the sinner and hate the sin. ¢â‚¬ 

If they preach at me, they ¢â‚¬â„¢re  ¢â‚¬Å“speaking the truth in love. ¢â‚¬ 

If they distance themselves from me, it ¢â‚¬â„¢s because they ¢â‚¬â„¢re showing  ¢â‚¬Å“tough love. ¢â‚¬ 

Yet they wonder why gay people don ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel very loved.

It reminds me of a scene from the 1960s musical film  My Fair Lady. Eliza Doolittle, a poor flower girl, has worked hard to overcome her Cockney accent and pass as a proper English lady, but she eventually tires of being treated as a trophy by her diction teacher and others. So when a young suitor named Freddy ¢â‚¬”who barely knows anything about her ¢â‚¬”begins to sing a song professing his love, she humorously interrupts him with a song of her own:

Words, words, words! I ¢â‚¬â„¢m so sick of words!

I get words all day through,
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?

Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk of stars burning above;
If you ¢â‚¬â„¢re in love, show me!
Tell me no dreams filled with desire;
If you ¢â‚¬â„¢re on fire, show me!

 ¢â‚¬Å“Show me, ¢â‚¬  she says. As a gay man, I feel the same way.

Do you love me? Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk about it. Show me.

Show me!

You know why  LGBT  people have such a bad impression of Christians? It ¢â‚¬â„¢s not because of protesters with  ¢â‚¬Å“God hates fags ¢â‚¬  signs. We know they ¢â‚¬â„¢re extremists. It ¢â‚¬â„¢s because of daily being dehumanized by the Christians who lecture and preach at us, treating us asissues  instead of as human beings ¢â‚¬”and because of the Christians we know who stand idly by, thinking that if they ¢â‚¬â„¢re not actively  hating  us, that counts as loving us.

That ¢â‚¬â„¢s not love. Talk is cheap. Telling me your opinion on my life is easy. Real love takes more than that.

Sing me no song; read me no rhyme!
Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t waste my time! Show me!
Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk of June; don ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk of fall;
Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn ¢â‚¬â„¢t one I haven ¢â‚¬â„¢t heard ¢â‚¬ ¦

It ¢â‚¬â„¢s true. Anything you could say, all that  ¢â‚¬Å“speaking the truth in love, ¢â‚¬  I ¢â‚¬â„¢ve heard it all before. So if you ¢â‚¬â„¢re really serious when you say you love me, you ¢â‚¬â„¢re going to have to prove it. Show me.

Not sure how? Here are some ideas.

• Support my rights.  Okay, maybe we don ¢â‚¬â„¢t agree on the definition of marriage, but can we at least agree that people shouldn ¢â‚¬â„¢t be able to fire me or kick me out of my home just because they found out I ¢â‚¬â„¢m gay? If you agree, help me make those legal protections a reality. If you don ¢â‚¬â„¢t agree, it ¢â‚¬â„¢s hard to believe you really care that much about my well-being.
• Stick up for me, even when I ¢â‚¬â„¢m not around.  Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t let people make gay jokes or speak derisively about LGBT people. You never know who might be listening. I was, before you knew I was gay.
• Invite me to dinner.  Or a party. Or a movie. Or a game night. Or to hang out at the mall. Make it something I enjoy, and don ¢â‚¬â„¢t use it as a pretext for anything other than having a good time together.
• Take an interest in my life and relationships.  Ask about the person I ¢â‚¬â„¢m seeing, or the person I ¢â‚¬â„¢d like to be seeing. (No need to tell me how much you disapprove.) Find out about my hobbies, favorite movies, favorite music, and other things I ¢â‚¬â„¢m passionate about. Learn to see me as a multifaceted human being.
• Ask about my experiences as an LGBT person.  Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t comment. Just listen.
• Learn the language I use for myself, and use it.  For instance, I don ¢â‚¬â„¢t call myself  ¢â‚¬Å“homosexual ¢â‚¬ ; I call myself gay. If you call me  ¢â‚¬Å“homosexual ¢â‚¬  in spite of my disdain for that term, it doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel very loving to me.
• Get involved in causes LGBT people care about.  Join the fight against LGBT bullying in schools. Learn about the homeless LGBT youth population in your city. Volunteer at a charity serving people with AIDS. Don ¢â‚¬â„¢t bring attention to what a good Christian you ¢â‚¬â„¢re being; just do it because it ¢â‚¬â„¢s the right thing to do.
• Instead of asking me to join you in settings where  you ¢â‚¬â„¢re  most comfortable, look for opportunities to join me in settings where  I ¢â‚¬â„¢mmost comfortable.  Maybe I have a favorite coffee house, or I love to hike a local trail, or I go bowling with friends every Friday night. And hey, maybe you could get to know my friends instead of expecting me to fit in with yours.
• Be the conservative Christian in my life who  doesn ¢â‚¬â„¢t  quote the Bible at me.  I know; you ¢â‚¬â„¢re worried that not expressing disapproval will make me think you approve of all my decisions. It won ¢â‚¬â„¢t. It just shows me that you care more about me than about our differences.

Most importantly, don ¢â‚¬â„¢t do any of these things with a hidden agenda.  Do them because you love me. You said you love me, right? Okay, then. Show me.

For more stuff like this, check out my book,  TORN: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate.

Rowland Croucher’s review of this excellent book   is here…