Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

==========

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied,  ¢â‚¬Å“That ¢â‚¬â„¢s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.” The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned his head was hurting, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”

==========

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

==========

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man’s name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him “Rudolph the Red.” Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, “Oh look honey, it’s raining outside.” She looks out as well and says, “No, I think that is snow.” He looks at her and says, “Rudolph the red knows rain dear.”

==========

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

==========

If you would like to be included on John’s Clean Humor List send your email address to
[email protected]  with “=Include Me=” in the Subject line.

~~~

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach’s “Sheep May Safely Graze” as the coffin was carried out of the church. After the service, the pastor complimented him on his performance. “Oh, by the way,” the minister asked, “do you know what the deceased did for a living?”

“No idea,” said the organist as he began packing up.

The minister smiled. “He was a butcher.”

~~~

And from a friend:

Many years ago when i was the organist for a local uniting church and a very young man, I was improvising for an elderly gentleman’s funeral. I played one phrase and thought yes I like that then I played a second phrase and  thought yes this is going well and then I played a third phrase at which point the minister looked over at me and gave me a disconcerted look. At the end of the service he came over to me and said good work Stuart but why were you playing my grandfather’s clock? Which as you know has the words, “But it stopped short never to go again when the old man died”.

True story.

I still haven’t lived it down.

~~

Okay, science joke. What does the b stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot . . . silly

http://www.itsokaytobesmart.com/post/41298819609/what-is-benoit-mandelbrot-middle-name

~~

The Satnav – by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav,

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver’s friend,

it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav,

I’ve had it all my life

It’s better than the normal ones,

My Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions,

Especially how to drive

“It’s sixty miles an hour”, it says,

“You’re doing sixty five”.

It tells me when to stop and start,

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it’s never ever,

Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red,

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively,

Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front,

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account,

It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver,

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car,

It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling,

Each journey’s pretty fraught

So why don’t I exchange it,

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I’m properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things,

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages,

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then,

I could turn the *!*!*! off.