MY LIFE STORY

If you are looking for an exciting, earth moving testimony, forget it, it is very ordinary, but If this can help someone that is in the same situation as I am, well Praise God.

I was bought up in a middle class family with loving parents, dad that spoilt me and never disciplined me and my mum who was always there for me but not there emotionally, she was a very hard woman who showed little emotion for my hurts, but as I said before she was always there when I needed things and never worked whilst I was growing up, so I never had to go home to an empty house.

I have a brother who is 11 years older than I and I have only found out in the last 3 years that I had two other siblings, both died, one with still birth, the other through miscarriage, but both deaths were not spoken of until my brother accidentally over heard the conversation. To this day, my dad still swears there was only 2. So I do not intend to push the issue.

I was sent to Sunday School by myself, my mum and dad didn’t attend, although dad says he is a Christian and mum said you don’t have to be a Christian to do good things, she only gave her heart to the lord 4 years ago on her death bed. Dad was going to be a Reverend in the Anglican Church, but that never turned out.

I experiences as a teenager was traumatic, experienced depression and was not one to go out much, I just used to stay home listening to records absorbed in my own world. I was not liked much unless the guys could get something out of me and most of the time they succeeded because I needed to be liked, but of course I found out later that was not the case, so my love life was not very successful either. My girl friends were from the rough school, so I hung around the group that used to get into trouble lots and guess who they used to do the bidding? Yes me, I had to prove myself

I gained employment after Technical College when I was 17 and from there on the I felt like I was needed, I enjoyed working and I saved up money to travel to Malaysia, but unfortunately that didn’t turn out as I met Steve and fell in love and married him, but I lost my friends from Malaysia in the process.

I married Steve in 1977 and the first couple of months was great, but I was to find out later that he had drinking problems and that caused me much grief, but thought that was part of the deal, so I went on with it, I later became pregnant and had a son, Brett who was an absolute delight and a real comfort to me when Steve was not around, two years after our second son Mark came along and he was indeed a handful, but I adapted.

As the years went on, I realised I had married an alcoholic and my life was miserable, Steve gambled and drank, 7 days a week and so my life was basically a hell hole, his abuse was emotional and mental so I was told that I was useless and no man would ever want me and I later believed that, so I just stayed where I was.

As my son Brett grew up and started school, he became my comforter, my friend, my confidant, at the tender age of 5 I was telling him everything his dad was doing and to this day I regret the damage I have done and have not really got over the fact that I hurt my boy very deeply although I love him so much. Brett used to come home from school and would only look at me and say “mum are you ok”? of course he knew I wasn’t, so I just dumped more things on him.

I became a Christian at the age of 34 and thought I had found life, real life, I loved it, relished in helping people, loving the lord, going to church, I just lived for church and helping the pastor and the family around me. I was at church every time the door opened, thought that If I was not there, the church could not function.

I become very legalistic and was ready to pounce on anyone that thought differently to me as I thought I was the only one with the truth. I hurt many people and was not going to budge for anyone.

Through the years though, I have learnt otherwise, through painful experiences bought about my legalistic leadership and myself, I have come to realise that God is the only one that can be trusted and the only one that loves us unconditionally and the only one we can truly turn to when we are in trouble.

I believe I have forgiven these people and I love them very much and hold no malice toward them. I am still struggling with legalistic teaching, not through the current church, just through things that were taught to me and the things that I would not budge from because of my own stubborn heart, but I take heart that I am learning a little each day, the true love of God for me.

I hope that this story will help you brothers/sisters that are searching. Please do not take any of this letter as the finish of my life, in fact, it is probably only the beginning of the real life that I am to lead with God along my side. I am only learning to trust in him as a gentle shepherd instead of a wrathful judge. I thank God for John Mark’s Ministries for helping me with this search, without the help of my special friend and “dad” Rowland Croucher, I would not be here today.

God bless you always Lynne